Oh, the Places...

Gone AWOL

2010-07-05T15:55:00.003-04:00

I do apologize, sort of. As with any other blog that I have had, there comes a time where my life takes over and blogging just takes a back seat. This past semester was that time. However, I am home now. You would think I would have a few lazy Vegas afternoons where I can just jot down a few thoughts, observations, or comments. Unfortunately, I haven't had very many "lazy Vegas afternoons" because on most days I'm either thinking about killing myself while in a summer class, or thinking about killing myself while stuck in traffic. Not literally of course! I have too many things that I still need to do.

So now, here I am blogging once more. I'm writing without a purpose (as per usual), so I doubt this will be a very long entry. I do have a bit of some news since I've last been on blogger:

1) Charlit has manned up and asked me to be his girlfriend? Or did you already know that? That whole FWB bullshit, was NOT cutting it. Fortunately, he had enough common sense to realize it.

2) I've done some traveling in March and May

3) I'm taking 15 credits this summer? It's absolutely torturous.

If you'd like to read some adventures, please follow the link below:

http://emptytalk.tumblr.com/

There are two other sub-sites that are connected to that tumblr. One dishes out specifics from my trip to Taiwan in March, and another on my trip to Tanzania earlier this summer. Those links will be up shortly, just in case you were interested in my life (aka no one).

So YES. I made a new blog. It started off as a blog for my impending travels, but then I found myself writing there more (AND THEN) just like what happened to this blog, I stopped writing.

NO. I am not getting rid of my blogger. There are some very valuable posts in here from London and from Scotland, as well as some dramatic ones from the pathetic years of high school. ALSO, I need to keep my options open. As you may or may not know, I'll be studying in China this Fall, and there are so many blocked websites. Just in case Tumblr is blocked, I'll always have Blogger? Chances are both of these are blocked, and I'll have to turn to my inner interweb geek (still in its stages of infancy) and try and find a proxy server.

Uni take 2

2009-10-26T01:08:00.002-04:00

So I haven't blogged since the beginning of the school year (actually, the school year hadn't even started yet). Well first semester is about half way through and so far...everything has been quite alright. Almost.

Good:

- A's and B so far.
- Good classes and great topics I've been studying.
- We have an apartment!
- WE HAVE A KITCHEN.
- I'm living with Nicole! ahhahaha
- Oh, bagged me a boy toy...I mean, friend- boyfriend. >.>
- Started going to the gym!

EH:

- Other roomie situations. Eh...
- Walking to school and it's far! Eh...
- I'm still a poor kid attending an over priced uni. Eh...

Good news for daddy :)
EPA!

Oh What A Night

2009-08-29T03:17:00.003-04:00

...Late August back in 2009.

Yes. It has come to an end folks. The summer of 2009 will eventually just become a distant memory. I think this summer was real eventful (kind of).

May- I worked on my tan. XD

June- Astronomy, Japanese, Liturature, and Photography classes. Went to ATECH graduation, and ate a crap ton.

July- Dad's birthday, other people's birthdays. Classes came to an end, and a impromptu family trip to Yosemite. Took tons of pictures of Jaci XD

August- My birthday, NICOLE AND ASHLEY came over!!

I'm so thankful I took summer school, I think I would have lost my mind if I just sat in front of the TV all day long. Ewwww. I go to Philly tomorrow and then on Sunday I move in! I find it odd that I start school in the middle of the week, and then we observe Labor Day...uh what?

Regardless, I had a fun time with my friends this summer, and I had a fun time meeting new people too! I know this upcomming semester will be filled with work and tears, but I am ready for it! I always welcome a new year of learning and growing :]

I think...

2009-08-26T00:19:00.004-04:00

I think there should be a website that we can log on to so we can write down what songs we want to purchase/ download. Like a post it note, and then we can cross it off when we finish. Sort of thing. It'd be fun.

I'll start:

Cater 2 You- Destiny's Child

Differences- Genuwine

Little bit of Feel Good- Jaime Lidell

(My) State of the Union

2009-08-18T07:11:00.002-04:00

IN:
Friends that make your birthday cakes
Tan Tan Tan!
Tweaktoday.com
Money

OUT (DEFINITELY, TOTALLY, REALLY OUT)
"Desperate toothless vampire sucking attacks"
Events page on Facebook
Jello
Birthdays.

I'm so excited for Nicole and Ashley to get here! It'll be a different scene to be around. Haha that sounds so lame, but I am getting a bit of Jersey and Philly when they come by! Hopefully they come around with some Tasty Kakes, and everything will be better. I love planning parties, I hate how slow people are to responding (I must be this way too), and I hate that I have to work so hard (and my parents have to cook all this delicious food) for other people to enjoy. It's your birthday right? I guess. I actually never got that. I wish I just threw a small party instead and just took out a few people out to dinner. oh well.

Oh and that's TOTALLY TACKY by the way. It really is.

School is starting soon, I can't wait to get the fuck out of Vegas. I know some are not excited to start school (i.e. my brother). I, for one, am so excited to get learning again! I like rubbing elbows with the study abroad admin. Let's see where I can go this time around!!

Phresh

2009-07-29T08:06:00.002-04:00

I have a new (sub) blog. It's really neat. It has a specific purpose; this one is more generic life stuff. I like having that "new blog feeling". I feel like it's a brand new present that is fresh out of its box!

untitled

2009-07-29T02:45:00.001-04:00

I have a lot of problems, but I guess that's why people have a "front."

Note to self: get one ASAP. :]

Triumphant

2009-07-13T03:36:00.006-04:00

I think I'm going to hell.

I am so stubborn, I am so difficult, I am so...mean. Not really. I volunteer, I care, I love, I have a heart too. I love my friends, meeting new people and I feel like sometimes I am an okay person. I just feel so...headstrong sometimes. I feel very unlady like when thoughts of fighting and inflicting damage onto others creeps their way into my brain. I think I'm a physical person, and if I feel like you have shit to start with me...I don't want to fight with words...I want to fight with my fists.

I'm just staring at the claws I currently possess, and I wonder what it'd be like to just go after someones face. XD I am seriously scary sometimes. Usually I'm not like this! I feel like it's ok to be angry though. I feel like it's ok to be physical, and I feel like it's ok to want to be aggressive. It's okay to know what you want, and go after it! (This is in regards to materialistic/ physical/ mental items or goals alike.) Nature made it this way so that people who are like this will most likely survive.

Do I sound like a nomadic, primitive caveman? You don't even have to utter the word, "Yes" out of your lips because I know I do.

I don't like being played with. I don't like secrets. I'm okay with the truth. I'm okay with knowing things...just tell me. I can learn to put up with it. I know some people are not like that...they'd rather not know, but I feel like sometimes it's okay to know. I feel like by knowing what's wrong, what's annoying, etc. etc. etc. people can change (or not). I'm not even trying to hint at a specific person or a specific incident, this is just something that's been irking me and I'd like to get it out.

I don't mind when people tell me things, but sometimes I hesitate to tell others things. Granted, nothing has been SO PROBLEMATIC for me to do this, you know? I promise though, I'm not so bad once I warm up!

I want to beat up some people though.

Anyway. This is just a note to self. I won. I was sneaky, (am) cold, and fucked up...but I won.

So

2009-07-11T03:53:00.002-04:00

...for the sake of my sanity I must blog.

It has certainly been too long.

*dot dot dot*

I have nothing to say at the moment.

Literature class has fried my brain.

Too much Gilgamesh!

My Two Pence

2009-06-30T05:07:00.004-04:00

Due to new revelations and issues that have surfaced in the lives of some of my friends, I have come to a very startling realization. Well...it's not really a realization, just a notion that's slowly (possibly) being confirmed.

I am sitting on the phone listening to a friend dish out his relationship woes, and I'm just giving him advice (that, to me) seems to be common sense. I'm just telling him what I think is right, and helping him through his little patch of trouble...but am I really at that place to offer my two cents? I personally get a little annoyed when I hear relationship, boy/girl problems, but I mean we all have them...so it's not fair for me to get myself all in a huff over it (again this depends on who you are...not totally on the situation).

Out of nowhere he hits me in the face with a figurative 2x4 and asks me why I haven't had problems like this. Honestly, it's because I never found any relationship I was in to be really serious. I told him that I'm not really in the whole relationship mode at this point in my life. WOOOOAH THERE 1) That's a lie, I kind of want a signifigant other. 2) I hate talking about it (ends up happening sometimes) because it makes me the person that has to go to someone else for help...and I do not like that.

I don't share that with him though. So what do I look like from the outside? Independent? Yeah, but I also feel selfish too. Idk...I feel like I can't care for anyone else because I have too much shit (not really) to involve myself in. Education cannot be further up on my list at this point in my life. Ugh, but sometimes I get scary flashforwards where I am this really successful career woman (like Jody from TOUGH LOVE iiiiiick!) and I am lonely. I don't want that either.

I feel like everyone is looking for someone (or recently) found someone. Or maybe it's just a coincidence that a lot of my friends are seeing people at the moment.

I'm like rambling on. I think story short is...I want a boyfriend. Desperately? Not really. Do I care enough to go out and search? Nope.

Alls I want to do is travel and explore! With or without someone is cool with me for the time being. I'm too young, and definitely too naive. Lol. OMG and do not get me started on the whole L O V E thing. Oh Jesus. I mean yeah, the thought of having someone to cuddle next to and be exclusive to is adorable, but I think I need someone to catch my eye first (...now that's assuming that I don't have my eye on someone already >:P) Besides, I like not having that responsibility, but I guess... I have no room to talk until I'm on the other end of that spectrum?

Whatever. Come what may. All I know is, I am not going to be the little bitch that waits hand and foot on their man. Homemaking and being a house spouse can kiss my tits.

Microderm this!

2009-06-28T04:54:00.005-04:00

"Anak! Your face so smooth. Ayyyy, it's like baby's butt! So soft."

Today was fuuuuun. A few days ago at CSN, there was a Mary Kay kiosk and I signed up with this woman named Jennifer. I got a complimentary facial, hand, and face makeup/over thingy for yesterday afternoon. I made my mother come with me because I didn't want to go by myself (and that would mean I would have to spend my own money for stuff. Hahaha jk.) Anyway so I made her go and when we went, there were a bunch of ladies there! We did hand stuff, and then we got microderm abrasion facials. Did you know that the collagen in your skin starts wearing down at the age of 15? Ugh it's horrible!

Then after that we got customized make up looks! I went for something subtle and fresh; my mother opted for a seductive smoky look (which looked fab on her!). We ate lunch with these ladies (most of whom were getting married...I was the youngest). Then we bought stuff. LOL, my mom was like oh we don't need stuff, but after we finished everything she was like, "Oh let's buy this, this and this!" So we got a "Satin Hands" package, a lip therapy package (my absolute favorite! I would make out with me any day :p), I bought some make up and my beauty consultant gave me gifts!

I want to throw a make up party! I had never tried Mary Kay products before today, but they're actually real affordable and good quality. Along with any make up brand, there will be some good and some not so good items...you just have to do a bit of research and try it out! Since Mary Kay is a home based product, there are no stores where you can buy some. There are parties that they throw (like the one I went to) where you can "test drive" the product and I was impressed.

I guess you can say that Avon would be a brand that is their competition. Avon doesn't sell at a store either, and they're also a home based business, but I feel like Avon throws their pitch for you to become a sales woman and then pitches the product. I felt no pressure to buy anything and I felt no pressure to become a sales woman. Jennifer was so amazing! She gave us some extra stuff, and I think she has a great selling point. Your first time experience should be good, so you'll want to come back!

Late Night Rambles

2009-06-27T05:14:00.007-04:00

It's getting late. Now that I have school, I'm not used to being up so late. I haven't blogged in a while, so I thought I would console my lonely blog with some words.

So school is hitting "mid-sem" and it's a very chaotic time for me. I'm trying to study and trying to keep interest, but the only class I really care for now is Astronomy, but even then I am constantly texting Jaci and battling sleep demons so I don't pass out in class. That class is so late in the day that I feel myself often drifting off when I know I'm supposed to be listening.

I had a very long facebook session today. I commented everyone and posted pictures I've been meaning to put up. I'm really interested in photography, but I feel like the class just isn't right for me. The professor is (no offense) a bit of a douche. He makes me feel like I can take an absolute shit picture, but if I know how to work photoshop then it will be amazing. Photographers didn't always have that tool, and there are plenty of breathless pictures! Idk...just feels like technology is getting too far ahead that people get lazy and just depend on it.

I can relate to that. Instead of writing this all down in a journal, I use a blog where my typed WPM over shadow my slow hand written WPM. Oh well...this is life.

Speaking of life. I am confused. I am a very goal oriented and list loving person. I planned out what I want to do, where I want to go, and how I want to get there. The problem is there is so much I want to do, I feel like there's not enough time to do it! I want to travel, I want to learn, I want money, I want a boyfriend. Lol, but there's so many routes to take, so make things to consider, I feel like I need a whole huge wall to list all my thoughts. (I'm not a toddler anymore, so if my parents saw me scribbling...I would for sure get a beat down.)

Lists and goals aside, I am also a very big, HUGE, fan of spontaneity! I like being random, I like the unexpected (as long as it's something good), I also really like leaving it all up to fate, God, whatever else may be mightier than I. You know?

I don't know how to balance those two out and still be really happy. I feel like if I'm not listing, and not setting goals then I open myself up to anything. Although I don't mind diverting from the "path"...I don't want to wander off too far. Then I feel like if I don't allow myself the chance to do whatever, I will miss out?

Take it as it comes!? Maybe? Maybe I should just take it. XD

Bazooka Bombers

2009-06-21T05:36:00.003-04:00

Ok must try...

Anywho! What a huge coincidence that the day that I post a blog about how I need to meet new people...I go ahead and meet new people. LOL. Jaci and I hauled our asses over to Henderson to meet up with an old friend from yesteryear. He introduced us to some of his friends...they seem to be pretty chill. (Maybe mildy alcoholic). :] I had a good time just getting to know people and relax. I didn't do much because I was bleeding love, and I had to drive so EH. I was being a good girl, I don' want to set a bad example for Jaci...and besides I hate having to be taken cared of. :/

I think this will be alright! Here's to new mates and a good summer :D

oh shit I have a test on Monday.

Star Parties

2009-06-20T15:07:00.002-04:00

I need new friends.

Not necessarily to replace the good ones I have now, but I feel like I've hit stagnant waters. School, food, homework, home. This is the monotanous schedule I have gotten myself into. No one new has been thrust into my life, and I miss it. (back to my ranting nani nani boo boo Stirling shit). I loved having to make new friends while I was abroad.

I feel like summer is too long...even with all this work I have to do! I know it's nice to just relax and take everything in, but I yearn for more "listless nights in a foreign place"...wandering around and legally drinking. No one knows me so I can be whoever I want.

I want new, I want change! Maybe I should look into the mirror and change my fat self first. You're only as confident as you feel. I am confident, but my outside appearance hinders that. I need the walk to match the talk (so damn...that's a big demand...because I talk A LOT.) I think I need a make over, or just a chance to not be here for a while. I don't even know why I hate it here. I'm sure a lot of people would kill to live in Vegas (or America) even, but I yearn for something more, somewhere far...someone new.

I've come to the dismal conclusion with some issues that have been pestering at my soul. They're observations that I made and I came to the inevitable conclusion. An encounter only further solidified the idea that's been richoseting around causing heart to shatter into a billion chunky bits of beating flesh.

I do not make sense...to you, anyway.

I know I can do this.

Baby Fat

2009-06-07T04:20:00.003-04:00

Hello.

I am fat.

I love food.

I enjoy stuffing my face.

I enjoy lounging around and going into a idle slumber.

The clock is ticking and I'm not getting younger!

Wishing to have the ideal body will only take me so far...

Food is all too good

But it's oh so bad.

Must care more!

Must exercise!

I think the proportions of these sentences above is what my body looks like now. Hah.

I'm not much on fitness, and I would rather die than eat "healthy". I do have to admit I am subsituting soda for water (I was never much for soda anyway...so it's not a monumental loss). I try to eat more veggies and fruits etc. etc. etc. Well... what did I eat today? A fucking delicious 7 layer lasagne. 7...really? Well, I made too much pasta, and even more sauce. The cheese was about to go bad so I used all of it. I feel like I gained 5 pounds in one sitting. I feel disgusting.

I think I look lighter than what I really am? Depending on the light, outfit, and angle of the person looking at me (whether it be from above, below, to the side). I have boobs uh so that makes me stomach less sticky out-y. Thank God. Seriously though...even those have gotten fatter, and while I don't mind too much...I do not wish for them to be ginormous. Anywho, I can TELL that it's harder for me to do shit because I'm a little tubby girl. Hahahaha I'm losing my flexibility (I used to bend over and actually tie my shoes. ;o;) and I feel more tired doing easy things. It really makes me mad at myself. So enough is enough!

I hopped on my bike tonight, and you know what happened? I only freaking cycled around my neighborhood once and I was barely breathing. Hahaha I spent 15 minutes riding around and I was pooped :[ This has got to change. I have a really bad left knee and a fucked up ankle so I'm not much for running. Walking is alright, but I think cycling has a lower impact on these joints while encouraging the heart to work hard! Besides I can't go as fast when I walk! (I biked into some shrubs and tree branches earlier). I was wandering about earlier and I found this really cute and not hard pilates workout. I desire the lean and feminine curves! I want to turn heads when I wear something revealing, or wear something sultry, but not in a bad way! I don't know why I didn't care when I was younger...I think it was my mindset though. My parents kept telling me that skinny wasn't good and that chubby meant healthy (I guess there's some merit to that). I was always told that I still had baby fat and it would go away eventually

...well is it time yet?

The Beginning

2009-06-04T05:12:00.006-04:00

Coming across good bits of advice at 2 in the morning is very rare...unless you're friends with Jaci. She told me, "Just because it's bad doesn't mean you should censor yourself." So after a few deep breaths, I find myself here. My mind is doing the thinking, my fingers are doing the typing, and I will be telling you a story. Okay, it's not really a story, it's more of a timeline in some sort of extended version which will allow you to accompany me on this turbulent journey of pleasure, chaos, and d r a m a.

So it begins.

Let's start off with a flashback from Junior year ok? It's 2007, and we're in StuCo state up in the middle of nowhere (apparently called Winnemucca, NV). In a small hotel room there is a group of hormonal teenagers setting up a game commonly known as "Suck and Blow". Charlit and Mellanie drew from the deck of playing cards and had to sit next to each other. The game commences...and as the card is being passed from person to person, the two drop the card and kiss. Uh this bullshit happens twice. We promised to not talk about it...yadda yadda yadda...got it? SO you see this "technically" isn't the first time he's pulled shit like this.

Right! So let's continue to the other shit. It's May 2008. I made some mistakes saying no to a potential date, getting rejected by another potential date and ended up going semi-stag. I call up Charlit and complain about the woes and worries of being a senior. We talk about boys, and a few other things. I invite him over for a get together post prom; that night I have people come over to swim and indulge in the infamous spaghetti and lumpia combination. We watched a few movies and as the RISK board was being set up, Charlit and I came up with a brilliant idea. Spin the bottle? Dice? Dirty (and really lame) teenage games? UH YES PLEASE! Hah, so once we convince innocent people that this will be fun we bust out the essential items and begin. Story short, he licks caramel off me. It was friendly, stupid, and what I thought was aimless fun.

Fast forward to July 14, 2008...how do I know? It's the night we watched Miss Universe. It's the night we watched "Texas Vibrator Massacre" and "Porn of the Dead" with a group of friends. I get left in the bedroom to clean up a bit, and Charlit's there. Makes a pass at my perky tits. *Squeeze* and it goes downhill from here.

---Somewhere in between here, we start talking and hanging out more---

Fast forward to July 19, 2008. I'm spending the night in "Lake Havasu" with "Lilien". Except it's not the Lake, it's Charlit's house. It's not Lilien, it's Mike and Charlit. Further exploration of what I possess takes place; I KNOW it's wrong. I KNOW it's a bad idea. As the saying goes, "It takes two to tango." Night turns to day and we move on. It's almost August and then POP! So much for Vacation Bible School this year...

---Talks become longer, more inappropriate, and almost deliberate---

August 20, 2008 is the date of the day before I leave to Philadelphia. Plans were poorly made and as a result I find myself steamin'. As you can obviously see, what turned out to be harmless fun has turned into fuck buddy status for both of us; this evolves and mutates into a very twisted, erroneously huge problem. In my fit of rage, I wrote a very hateful letter which (I thought) would explain the feelings I had felt during these intense 3 months and possibly end all this turmoil for him and I both. (As you will see later, it did not work.)

It's September 2008 now... and it's week 1 in the UK now; a long letter arrives into my inbox. I find myself entangled in a labyrinth of words that shout, "LONELINESS! LUST! LOVE?" More words. More words. Some songs. Some tears, but mostly words. Words that misled me, words that ultimately lead to my demise.

Mid semester break occurred in October 2008, and I find myself with a group of good mates in Glasgow waiting for the arrival of Charlit. Yeah he flew to Scotland to see ME. Spending time, talking, spending more time. We rendezvous a few days later in the lobby of AKD and we head out to Barcelona, Spain. We enjoyed ourselves a bit, got lost a lot, and explored a ton!

It's November 2008, we are getting antsy, the contact stops for a bit, and he has a falling back in with Sharon. (His now ex-girlfriend...as of September?) I'm exploring, I'm enjoying, and I'm LIVING. He's being selfish, but a part of me wanted someone to feel that way towards me. We wait it out...December is here and they arrive to my front door. I greet them...Mike and Charlit are pissed. I understand why. Lilien freaked them out by saying my dog went missing and that it might have died. New Year's Eve, New Year's Kiss. Bring on the NEW experiences!

January 2009 is here and now it's back to school. A goodbye kiss and away I went (again). Possible boyfriend at this point? Highly probable. Good idea? I thought so.

January turned to February and we spent Valentines Day together. Sweet? Kind of. How did we celebrate? Chinese food, Gran Torino, and some...well you know.

March and April sort of sheds new light onto this whole situation. He joins a cult, I mean a club. He meets new people. Networking apparently means that you turn into a douche and stop talking to a pretty cool girl. New friends apparently means that you have to stop talking to the old ones. New memories apparently means that you forget the old ones. I become a burden, I become part of the past, so I try to move on.

Homecoming was in May 2009. Mike and Charlit are there at the airport anticipating my slow self at baggage claim. It was a bittersweet experiences and he could tell I wasn't all too pleased to see him. We talked for a bit and we reconnected. We hang out, we hook up, but most importantly (I thought) everything was going well. Hopefully back on track? Perhaps. So many people told me to save myself while I could. So many people said it was a bad idea. Forget about him. You will find someone who will be better for you. Maybe they're right. Being a stubborn girl, I choose to disprove all these statements. It makes me want to work harder, it makes me want to fight better...just for this- just for US to work.

it was going slowly picking up at the place where we left off...until tonight.

Please thumb your way to the date June 3, 2009 and follow along please! After a good day of eating, Jaws, and driving...Jaci and I end up passing a Sonic on our way to Kim's house. After meeting up with Kim, her sister and Alyssa we decide to get free (best word ever) Root Beer Floats! I get an order of large onion rings to give to Charlit. (Just because). So we're singing, I'm driving, and we're drinking...when we get to his street I turn off the headlights and we scheme of what we should do with the rings. Leave them? Put them all over his car? What about those cups of empty Float? All of a sudden a silver truck drives up the street. They're slowing down and I thought they had to turn into a drive way. Nope. I'm slowly driving my car, and they're tailgating me at this point. Turns out to be the lovely Sharon Ly! *cue the thunder and lightning* She emerges from her car and at first I was like...who the fuck is this? OH! Wow. She starts yelling at me. I take it all in.

She's asking me what I'm doing there.

"Uh I went with the girls to get free Root Beer Floats. I ordered Onion Rings for him and I thought I'd drop them off."

She tells me she doesn't want an apology.

I calmly reply, "I'm not going to give you one."

She tells me to stop talking to Charlit and stares at me.

"I'm not going to stop talking to Charlit. He's my friend. We're not even going out."

Onward with the awkward silence...She asks me why I'm staring at her.

"What do you want me to say? (I'm thinking to myself...well DUH you're the one that ran up to ME...you're the one that started yelling at ME...what am I supposed to do?)

She tells me that I should apologize (after she just told me that she didn't want one).

I tell her, "Why? Is this going to change things between us? Are we going to be ok again? No...this does not change a thing. You still won't like me, and everything will not be the same again."

She told me that she honestly cared for me and loved me as a friend.

I thought of the good times. Then I think to myself of all the times she's called me to complain. I think of all the times where I wasn't enjoying myself in her company. All I did was let her vent because that's what she really needs. She finally left, and I drive away. We go back to our own lives...well I went back to my own life.

I am calm, but inside my blood is boiling, steam is pouring out of my ears and I was just waiting, hoping, even praying that she throws a punch my way. I'm hoping that she gathers the anger that she's been harboring towards me and hits me. I patiently wait for her to start the fight so I can end it. If she tried, I was ready to push my seat belt button and just maul her. She doesn't; I don't.

So there it is, in most of its entirety. I'm conflicted. I'm happy. I'm mad. I'm sad. I'm relieved. I'm annoyed. I can't imagine what it's like for Sharon, but at this point, I could care less. She was my friend, but now she's not. This is my doing (partly); but I do not apologize. I am wrong and I accept that. I move on and so should you.

What baffles me most is that all the hatred she released was towards me, YET she is back to good friend status with Charlit...her ex-boyfriend. He is the one with the penis. He is the one who did not say no. He is the one put his penis into my vagina. He is the one who flew to see me. Okay? I know it is my fault too, but you can't hate us equally? I will just sit here and take the blame, while you pretend nothing ever even happened between you two. At the end of the night I will go to bed satisfied in knowing that I give some damn good blowjobs.

This is the trouble I have gone through. Now you don't have to hear it from someone, who heard it through someone, who heard it from "the source". Granted, my side of the story may seem a bit biased and maybe it has some parts that are missing, but trust me...this would be so much longer if I went into any more detail. No matter how much grief I get from this, this issue will now and forever will be a part of my life. I will live with that. Jesus, believe it or not, there are SO MANY people out there that have pulled the same shit.

I will learn from this and move on to better (and bigger) people. So it goes...

I'll Follow You Until You Love Me

2009-05-28T23:25:00.004-04:00

Paparazzi! I love Lady GaGa's song and the video that goes with it is absolutely splendid. I wish I had her nerve. I saw her on the latest cover of Rolling Stone (who hasn't?) and she is so fearless in what she wears and what she does. She's egy and she rocks it. I think you can wear whatever you want, but not many people have the attitude to compliment their wear, you know? I could walk around in a garbage bag, but I'd feel like a hobo. However...Gaga would wear that garbage bag, and make others want to sport one too! I think she's the epitome of the saying, "Never let your outfit wear you!" Anyway onto what I really wanted to talk about...

I thought I needed someone to look forward to before I could get over my past. I find this to not be the case. I'm doing fine on my own, and I'm enjoying the ability to explore my options (if you catch my drift) :p Actually, there are no boys who are interested in this cute round ball of fat so we'll leave it at that. Maybe my approach is all wrong...I should go lesbian. :l I can't. I really can't.

Nowadays, I have my eye on SOMETHING rather than SOMEONE. That something is my next destination. I've been emailing representatives from different study abroad programs requesting brochures, asking about credit transfers, and asking about tuition/boarding costs. The thought of being abroad gets me more hot and bothered than him. I constantly think of where I'll be, who I'll meet, and what I'll learn! I have BIG plans for this upcomming year and I'm really thankful my parents back me on any decision I may make. I know we don't have necessarily have the means to make all this happen, but they always make it happen in the end. Lol with all the money I'm using up right now...I'm going to have to pay for my little bro to get through school. Hahahaha

The re-decorating of my room is going very well. I'd say I think we're at about 65% done? Pictures will be up shortly!

Tell 'em Billy: Adventures down Vegas Blvd.

2009-05-24T06:49:00.013-04:00

**For shits and giggles I'm calling Joe, Joseph.**

After having a rocky start to my morning (you know...getting out of bed is hard when you fall asleep at 6am) I put myself together as best as I could and headed out. I run on Asian Time. Ran a few errands, and then headed over to pick up Jaci. After some horrible driving, we ended up and Joseph's; the day officially began.

It all started off at the Lichtenstein, Warhol and Friends Exhibit at the Fine Art Gallery (Bellagio). It was a quaint exhibit room with interesting speckles of installations and projects. I'm not sure how people critique art, but I thought the pieces were admirable. Who has the right to say whether art is good or bad anyway? Where is the line drawn? I guess it's all "common sense" to a critic. Complementary colors, fluid contours, skillfull use of materials/textiles/tools....etc. Maybe? Who knows...

Following the exhibit, we found outselves in that garden area. We took a few pictures (I'm fat), and then we headed out to get our grub on. It was supposed to be, as Joseph says, "CPK". We ended up eating at Dick's Last Resort though. That place is very...interesting. People wait in line to eat at a place where the employees act like "dicks" to their customers. We normally don't tolerate such behavior, especially at a restaurant, but people here were happily buzzed and chatting away while enjoying the food (to my surprise the menu was real small). I got a kickass hat that said, "My legs are like 7-11, they never close." Joseph's said, "Hung like a 5th grader." Jaci's said, "Sleep(s) well with others."

After Jaci got her hat, we left and headed down to Planet Hollywood. We wore our hats. I was so hesitant to walk around with it on, but once I stopped caring it was really fun getting a little rouse from the "tourons" haha. I forgot that the people who were pointing, laughing, high-fiving at us because of the comments on our heads were people that I would never see again. No loss after all. We watched the water show at the Bellagio about...5 times? haha then we decided to go back to Joseph's.

We made a quick stop at Carl's Jr. to get some malts and shakes. I had about 8 packets of sugar per Iced Tea drink (bring on the diabetes!) so I was getting really hyper. We annoyed Joseph with these balloon hats we got from some man in a wheel chair. Good fun :]

I took Jaci home and then I drove home myself. I'm not sure, but I think I either ran over a lizard or some lizard look-a-like object. Anyway, I'm a few streets away from home and I start flicking on different radio stations. All of a sudden I hear Billy Joel's song "Honesty" and it just spoke to me. Haha I don't know how to explain it; I've never heard it before...but picking up the lyrics just came naturally. Billy sang through into my speakers and said, "Honesty is barely ever heard, and mostly what I need from you." Amen to that. It's a somber song and I feel like (until recently) it could have been a song used to do a Mellanie montage. Mopy, melancholy and dull...until today.

I didn't realize that an easy way to get me feeling good was to just spend a day with my friends. The other day, I talked to Joseph about "it" (does saying "it" usually mean sex? because that's not what we talked about...not during this conversation anyway) on a car ride to buy paint...it's nice to get a different perspective.

In short, today was a really really good day. I'm not so down anymore ;] and who knew all I needed to do was: stare at art, wear a demoralizing hat (haha), watch water fly in the air, eat lots of sugar, and spend time with my friends. Gotta love life.

weeeeeeird.

2009-05-21T05:01:00.001-04:00

so uh i'm trying to get to facebook by typing it into the browser thingy...and it directs me to myspace. weird.

When all else fails...

2009-05-18T03:43:00.008-04:00

It's 12:45 in the evening. I've done nothing but go to church and pretend to be deep in prayer for an hour. In reality I did say one. Short, sweet, and really improper. "Please God, give me the strength..."

I don't know how to release bothersome thoughts. I don't talk to my parents because they're just too awesome and too Filipino to understand (they might just implode). I don't know which friend to pester about my issues so I prefer not to. I'm not in the slightest bit artistic, musically inclined, and I don't really have a way with words (blogs don't count). All things considered, I'm not left with very many outlets of expression and as a result I'm left frustrated, upset, and even confused.

When all else fails I pray. I'm a legit closet Catholic. I have the mouth of a pirate, I accept homosexuality, and I am a hedon. I'm okay with pre-marital sex, and I'm not necessarily fond of the pro-life argument. Looking at all these things, I guess you could argue that I'm one of the worst Catholics out there, but I do appreciate the relationship that I have with my God. :] I talk, talk, and talk and all he does is listen. He doesn't ridicule or criticize me (well I'm not his territory yet). He doesn't give me the answer I want to hear; He doesn't give me an answer at all. I figure he doesn't give me an answer because he trusts me enough to decide the right one. If I make the wrong choice He won't ignore me, He won't wave that pointer finger about and laugh (I think the worse he could do was throw a few lightning bolts down my way...but I haven't fucked up that bad yet).

So here I am now. Still confused, still lost, and still waiting for the right answer. They say patience is a virtue, but I'm on my last thread. I feel like if I can't figure out what to do I'll go mental (not to be confused with Euan's version of the term). Yeah yeah it's all vague and you're probably left scratching your head, but I don't feel like letting you in on the demented thoughts I constantly think about.

Summer Nights

2009-05-12T01:21:00.002-04:00

Whew. I'm real glad summer is here! I'm ready to relax and pursue things that I've been putting off because I didn't have enough time. So far the only thing I've gotten done (I haven't even finished it yet) was reorganize my iTunes. :D Haha I'm looking for Album Covers and finding the correct Album/ years. etc.

I'm looking forward to seeing Jaci again ;]. I've realized that I am a shit person when it comes to keeping in touch. I got real involved with school and other things I barely kept in touch with any of my friends (Joe is an exception...he is a parasite :p) Now it's weird because they have stuff going on in their lives that I'm totally unaware about, and that sucks because what friend doesn't know what's going on in their friend's lives? Right? A bad friend! It's ok because they don't know what's going on with me :p

As if there was anything significant anyway! Hah. I really can't wait to see people over the summer though; it'll be a fun time to meet up, party, and catch up! This summer will most definitely be one to just unwind. I'll be taking 4 summer courses from June to July so I should be a busy be. This unfortunately means that I'm going to be 19 and I still haven't had a job yet. I think that's just a lot a bit pathetic. I don't know what significance retail or food jobs means to governmental agencies who will hopefully be looking over my application, but I need some way of showing future employers that I am capable of being a team player, and I need to show that I am a responsible/ dependable person. Ya know?

Hopefully this time next summer I'll have the summer internship I'm gunning for. I'd like to work/ volunteer for a social welfare department in the Philippines. We'll see :]

I know where I want to go career wise. I know where I need to go with my education, but I'm still contemplating on the best way to get there...

Softening the Blow

2009-05-05T04:03:00.004-04:00

I landed around 7:20 on Saturday in Las Vegas. I slept for most of my flight, and I do have to say I'm definitely glad that I stayed up all of Friday night. I passed out for a good majority of the flight and when I woke up there was only 100 miles separating me from my home. Not to my surprise, both Mike and Charlit were at the airport waiting for me. :] I was really surprised to see Charlit because a lot of my pent up anger and frustration did not dissipate when I saw him. I gave him a hug, but it was more friendly than anything else. We ordered Chinese food and 4 movies: Bedtime Stories, Choke, Let The Right One In, and Another Gay Sequel. Mike had fallen asleep downstairs and Joe, Charlit and I were watching all the movies. Lilien came by which was nice!

I'm sitting here now and it's 1 in the morning and all I feel like doing is writing. I dug up a notebook and I think it'll be a summer of 2009 book. I want to use it to keep track of books, songs, lists, and other things that I've done, seen, and felt during this summer. I'm not sure what it is, but maybe because I'm taking summer school courses, I feel like this summer will be a good one for learning, self-motivation/improvement. I'm really excited for this photography class Joe and I signed up for. I know by having high expectations, I might find myself to be a little disappointed when I find out that it's not quite that I had hoped for...but still!

I'm definitely glad that school is over because I totally need to relax and unwind. It's real nice to be back to familiar territory!

----

on a completely unrelated topic...
Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell have been together for about 25 years now. They aren't married, but have been together long enough to establish a common law marriage. I wonder how this is working out for them. Technically neither of them have an emotional obligation to each other seeing as how they aren't "technically" together, but you know it will go to shit if either of them fuck things up. Can I/ Am I allowed to use this example and relate it to my life? Maybe I'm looking for a "common law" relationship? In that case...I'd want someone who is exclusive to me and someone I can be exclusive to...but it won't necessarily confine us under the term "relationship" because that seems too constricting? It SEEMS like it falls under the idea of friends with benefits, but SOMEONE always gets hurt. Same thing with FUCK BUDDIES...once one of you develops feelings, then you know it's going down an long and painful path of destruction. This will end up a chaotic mess (which may or may not be) a good thing. I'm indecisive and I'm on something at the moment so this is just a random thought.

make the cut.

2009-05-02T04:46:00.007-04:00

No one knows; I won't spill.

£19 and time stands still.

I may let go of red and gold.

'Cos I thought my feelings old.

Green is scarce, but so is time.
Avoiding this has been a crime.

In 3 years that door will shut

I must work hard to make the cut.

skin is, my

2009-04-30T00:18:00.003-04:00

Maybe it is because I'm tired, or maybe this is due to other external or perhaps substance related issues, but for some odd reason the feeling in my arms and upper extremities do not feel right! They feel numb, and tingly! Lalalaaaaa what is going on?

Oh I know what it is...it is called I am tired of SCHOOL. I am tired of studying and I am tired of being so tense. I want to not worry about anything. ever. again.

Wrapping it up

2009-04-21T21:38:00.004-04:00

So the semester is coming to an end next week and I am more than excited to get it over with. As I've mentioned time and time again this semester can never be compared to last. The whole year in general has been a very big year of change for me and I appreciate experiences from both Stirling and Arcadia.

I can definitely say that I am totally looking forward to next year's housing opportunity, and class schedule. I'm sacrifcing my summer this year because hopefully it'll give me that extra boost in my GPA so I can study abroad again next year. There's so many paths I can choose because of my major and with the career options I face (or not face...because the economy is shit) I seriously don't know what to do.

I'm in the process of making a to do list for this summer, and I can't wait to get started on it! Things are starting to ease up (emotion) wise for me, which is good because I've been an unstable wreck for quite some time. First order on my list though is to go see the doctors and some stuff worked out. Ahahahhaha it's disgusting how I'm starting to sound like Joe, but unlike him, I have a legit reason. In December, I got "hit by a lady bustling through the crowd with her suitcase on the back of my leg (towards the Achillies)" hahaha so now, according to Nicole, I have a Tink Tink leg. Haha

In the wise words of Bob Dylan

2009-04-20T02:47:00.004-04:00

"Don't think twice, it's all right."

I constantly evaluate the current status of my life and in which direction it's headed. I like to sit here and make lists of things to accomplish and I like to prioritize my goals and "plan of attack", but I realized that I don't need to do that right now. I second guess myself all the time because I feel like if I don't have it planned out, I'm going to make a mistake. In reality, I should have realized that that was my first mistake to begin with. I need to stop being so over analytical and precise about every action in my life.

It's a hard pill to swallow, but I hope this sudden epiphany will help me in the near future. I'm currently over analyzing a situation in my life that I wish could just be resolved so I can move on with myself. I know that one day (hopefully soon) I will come to a final, solid and valid reason for either pursuing or terminating this issue and I hope I'm strong enough to not think twice about it. I'm tired of being insecure, I'm tired of losing sleep, and most of all...I'm tired of wasting my time.

It will be alright.

Perspective

2009-04-13T03:13:00.001-04:00

Saw this on a website, and I really really liked it.

"One day, the father of a very wealthy family took his son on a trip to the country with the express purpose of showing him how poor people live. They spent a couple of days and nights on the farm of what would be considered a very poor family. On their return from their trip, the father asked his son, ‘How was the trip?’

It was great, Dad.’

Did you see how poor people live?’ the father asked.

Oh yeah,’ said the son.

So, tell me, what did you learn from the trip?’ asked the father.

The son answered: ‘I saw that we have one dog and they had four.

We have a pool that reaches to the middle of our garden and they have a creek that has no end.

We have imported lanterns in our garden and they have the stars at night.

Our patio reaches to the front yard and they have the whole horizon.

We have a small piece of land to live on and they have fields that go beyond our sight.

We have servants who serve us, but they serve others.

We buy our food, but they grow theirs.

We have walls around our property to protect us, they have friends to protect them.’

The boy’s father was speechless. Then his son added, ‘Thanks Dad for showing me how poor we are.’

Isn't perspective an interesting thing?"

http://bitsandpieces.us/2009/04/07/perspective-2/

"Families are like fudge - mostly sweet with a few nuts."

2009-04-08T04:05:00.007-04:00

My friend told me the other day that her parents decided to pay for her school tuition than the mortgage that was due last month.

---

While Joe is ranting away about his parental unit problems, I'm here thinking about my own unit. I was talking to Joe about how my parents don't want me to get a job if I want to take summer school. The economy status in my household isn't stable at the moment (then again...who isn't having that problem?) I figured having a wee little job could help my parents even in a small way. I guess the hesitation of my parents to let me have a job is understandable, because they know that I know I'm at the point in my life where I am able to help them, but they won't take it. They won't take it because they have every intention of making sure I finish school. In their eyes, if school is what I'm currently focusing on, then it's going to stay that way.

I know all of this, yet I feel like I take them for granted. I've stopped asking for things, I don't expect a huge present for my Christmas or birthday, and I try not to spend if I don't need to if it means that's one less dollar for them to give me. I'm thankful for their hard work and dedication in insuring that I grow up with everything and them some. Both my parents are selfless and try to provide me with so much, when I know they grew up with so little.

My mom and dad have big dreams for me, and whenever I skip a class or do iffy on a test I feel that sting and it encourages me to work harder. I also have all these goals at the moment (traveling being a really big one) that I want to accomplish now and get out of my system so that when I'm at the point where I ca have a stable career all I'll want to do is work. The sooner I get this done, the sooner my parents can relax and enjoy life. I want to be able to take care of them just like they did for me.

---

I have no reason for writing this blog...it was just a "late-night-why-not-talk-about-what's-on-my-mind" blog. I just wanted to write about how I don't think my parents know how much I appriciate everything that they have sacrificed for the sake of my well-being, enjoyment, and education. They worked hard for me, so when I'm able to, I want to work hard for them.

---

The point of the story?

Basically, the family that eats eggs together, stays together! <3

Para Sa'yo

2009-04-07T03:30:00.006-04:00

To my dearest pinsan,

How are you doing? Or better yet, I should be asking what are you doing? As far as everything goes, when I left home, I left you too. I apologize for not keeping in touch, I apologize for not talking to you, but most of all I apologize for not telling you what I really think.

Before I start, I'd like to say that there is nothing you can say or do that will convince me to change my mind about how I feel about your current boyfriend. He is the type of man I disdain. American bred Filipino who lacks humility, humbleness, and modesty. I'm not even at the position where I can say such things about a boy (that is not mistake) who I don't know. He rubs me the wrong way, and whether you think so or not...he fucked you right over (both figuratively and literally). I understand that he was there through your thick and thin, but what on God's Green Earth were you thinking?

In regards to your current situation, I can't help but feel detached and impartial. I understand that what is going on is not a light matter, but you can't just sit around thinking decisions that you're happy with will be made for you. The family is unhappy, your boyfriend is unhappy, and most importantly I know you're unhappy. I see some errors in your way of thinking, and I know I am at no liberty to tell you what to do with your life.

- If you have this kid, you can't expect your boyfriend to take care of everything. I know that when we were talking, I was just laughing when you said that you would make him take care of you and the baby, food, clothes for the both of you, the house and everything else. He gives you everything, therefore he has every single right to take it all back. With not income, no citizenship, no money, and no insurance...you will be setting yourself up for a world of kawawa.

- You don't like some of the things he does. There are and always will be things that we don't like about our significant others, but you talked about it a lot. You talked about other girls, and how he even hurt you at one point >.>

- There's always tomorrow. You're 19 and you have a life to live ahead of you. I'm not that much younger and imagine me if I had a kid? I'd be one sorry sorry girl. You aspire to be an artist, a model, a fashion designer. Are you sure you're ready to throw it all away for the sake of a child? Yeah you can get shit done after you have kids, but imagine how much harder it will be. Taking care of someone is really important, but make sure you can take care of yourself first.

I get it. You're at the point where you are old enough to make your own decisions in life. If you want to continue then so be it. I just want to make sure you won't have any regrets if you keep (or choose not to) this child. How sorry will you be if he leaves? How sorry will you be when there is no money and mouths to be fed? How sorry will you be once you realize that what your uncles, aunts, and parents told you was all right?

I hope you work things out, and I even hope that you prove us all wrong. I hope you make it and I hope you are happy in the end.

“While we are free to choose our actions, we are not free to choose the consequences of our actions.”

Think about it.

Where do I begin? Better yet, how do I end it?

2009-03-29T01:45:00.000-04:00

I don't know where to start. I've been conflicted by some issues for some time now (about 8 months) and I can't seem to just let it all go. I don't like naming names because for the most part, if you know me, you know who this concerns. Right? If not, ask me or something and I'd be glad to complicate it further with some background story.

The end of high school was what I considered a significant time of change for me. I was accepted into the universities that I applied to and I chose Arcadia. I was lucky enough to be accepted into the study abroad program and I was leaving. I was growing to be more independent, and changing into a new person. I welcomed the new me with open arms, but of course there had to be that one thing, or should I say person, that didn't leave or change.

I had been friends with someone for a long time, but it wasn't until the summer of graduation did we become really good friends-- so much so that we deemed ourselves to be BFFs. I enjoyed the newly found bestfriendship, but I knew this was heading in a different direction. Things happened that complicated our situation, and it left me frustrated and angry (I no longer feel this way towards myself, but I wish I approached the problem differently). I scribbled my thoughts down on some paper just minutes before I was headed off to the airport and I handed him that letter. I thought this was the end of it all. I was leaving and going to a different country, I was moving on, and I was going to have a chance to change things. It wasn't that way.

There was an initial shock while I was abroad that couldn't be eased by anything, and through the times where I felt down, he came back into my life. He was my link to everything back home and I found it to be refreshing. We exchanged emails and slowly the literature turned from a solem and kind friendly tone, to one that was more intimate. He still had issues of his to work out (i.e. girlfriend). I dealt with the shock of being abroad and took in the new atmosphere. Eventually I got used to it and I didn't mind it so much anymore, infact I LOVED IT. My affections for this guy grew stronger, and while we aren't in any sort of relationship he was always in the back of my mind.

So where am I going with this? Okay...I'm back in America now and we have talked about the possibility of a relationship in the future. We have completely switched roles throughout this whole ordeal. While I was abroad, he was gloomy and wanted to have some sort of relationship. I'm back now, and I'm getting used to the notion of having one too, but now he's out and about doing his own thing. I can respect that, but it honestly leaves me with some frustrations.

1) I'm not some hook up for you to call everytime I'm in town...you may not even think that, but these moments are slowly beginning to outweigh the fun times of just hanging out.

2) I'm respecting your space by letting you do whatever, but why did you get jealous when I told you the truth about events that happened while I was away? Now here you are doing things behind my back and you don't expect me to feel anything? You don't even have the decency to approach me about it.

At times I wish I just dialed a different number that night. I wish that this didn't escalate to the state it is now, because I just know that if I let myself fall for you I might get hurt. So many things are going to be put on the line and I sometimes feel that the negatives outweigh the positives. I wish I wasn't looking at this situation with such pessimistic views, but how can I trust you when you haven't shown me that you deserve my heart? I have no experience in the realm of serious relationships, but I don't know how I'll take the blow if it goes to shit. I don't know why I'm potentially putting myself in a vulnerable position, but I guess that means I'm ready to take this challenge on. I care about you and about this label-less quagmire. I mean there are a lot of good things that have happened to us. We've explored Europe together and there's so much more to see. If you don't care to go, I'm more than capable of dealing, packing up and heading out. Australia here I come!

What They Didn't Mention

2009-03-28T20:42:00.006-04:00

Arcadia University either didn't get the memo, or they chose to ignore it and send their wee freshers abroad anyway. Unbeknownst to these innocent children, they had been tricked. Arcadia promotes studying abroad at such a young age and they say it's totally fine and all (and it is...don't get me wrong). However, they forgot to mention that once you've experienced the amazing places over seas you will go through withdrawal. You will be in bed rocking back and forth wishing you were on the tube, or walking around city centre, or in the kitchen making your own food at 5 in the morning.

I function here just fine. I go to class, I do my homework, I socialize with my friends, but there is not a night where I don't pray to God to send me back into my room on the 4th floor in AKD. I constantly wonder what it would be like if I never left. Would I yearn for being there as much as I do or would I be oblivious to the amazing times that could be had across the pond? I heard some criticisms of why studying abroad is advised against during the first year. Some arguments were the fact that students wouldn't know how to manage finances, parents just don't trust their kids, some credits won't count or studying abroad will delay graduation for the student. etc. etc. I think one they failed to mention (or I chose to ignore) was the fact that I would miss so many people and so many things about being over seas.

I didn't hear the OL's mention anything about their friendships or anything about the people they met. I knew of only the technical and trivial things. It's like being in the military. They train you of the ins and outs of a gun, they teach hand to hand combat, and first aid skills...but you will never know what it's like to be in a war until you get there. (ok I know that comparison was a bit farfetched :]) I went through at least 8 orientations, and filled more paperwork out than a bureaucrat on his first day, and nothing I learned prepared me for the moment I came back to this university. No one told me that 5 months with 20 people would make such a big difference in my life.

I look forward to the day where I go through an experience that will top my time in Scotland!

I can't wait to be depressed about another location and about another group of amazing people. I'm sure it gets tiring for my friends abroad too because all I can tell them is that Arcadia isn't all to exciting. Hell, I know it is shit for my friends from back home to constantly hear "When I was in Scotland" etc. etc. >.> I'm sorry, but I'm not at the same time. That first semester helped shaped me into the person I am right now. I can't can't pretend like it didn't happen and just not talk about it; I'll just make sure to do it in moderation. Yeah?

I'm trying though! I've joined clubs, and I am talking to more people. I'm not hating it here, it's just not what I'm used to...you know?

con-fi-dant

2009-03-27T03:45:00.003-04:00

–noun

a close friend or associate to whom secrets are confided or with whom private matters and problems are discussed.

I don't know how often you read this, but expect another letter about random nothings, my dear friend.
I guess writing to you, even though you don't write back (yeah I'm calling you out), is a form of therapy for me. I don't say much, or anything important, but I like writing to you. I hope that you don't mind my silly letters because as long as you keep reading them (supplemented with some kind of feedback), I would like to keep sending them.

With thoughts of love and care,
Mellanie

Lesson: How to Cause a Stir

2009-03-19T03:21:00.006-04:00

#1. Tell people you're pregnant.
#2. Become part of my family.

----------

After talking to Mr. Pursely today I decided that Sewtasty is long overdue for a new log.

So as it goes...I am on Spring Break at the moment.
I'm very thankful for being away from home because when I come back it makes me appreciate Las Vegas so much more! I do find the date of Arcadia's break to be VERY inconvenient! It isn't the same date as most universities, therefore my friends back home are still in school. It's nice to be able to shower in my own bathroom, sleep in my own bed, and open the pantry to a plethora of foods every day.

Being home also means that I'm with my family, and speaking of family, my cousin is here to visit! I know people out there who can trace their roots to William Wallace (yeah Joe I'm calling you out), I know some people who can't go past their grandparents (that's me), and I know people who feel awkward at family reunions (this pertains to me too). This aspect of my life is very significant. I feel that having good connections with your parents, siblings, and relatives is really important, but I can't help but remain oblivious to other "key" family members! Basically I'm out of the loop when it comes to knowing the dirty little secrets of the Tanada Family...until now.

Having her over has given me a little more insight to all the gossip that floats about regarding our family. It's so much fun...kind of like having an older sister! She's here for reasons that will remain personal, but aside from opening up the equivalent of Pandora's box of secrets about my family to me...I also am taking this time to seriously bond with relatives that were distant until recently. I'm trying to repair broken relations. Although I may not forget...I can learn to slowly forgive.

I know I'm being extremely vauge in this particular blog, but TRUST ME if I were to write about some family stories...they'd be basically as long as the Twilight series. Probably just as boring too! I know I will get shot for saying that :]

This is NOT Stirling

2009-03-03T17:53:00.003-05:00

I need to (wo)man up and quit skipping class!

This is the worst habit I've developed in college!

(next to ...)

Random Bable

2009-02-23T01:49:00.007-05:00

I'm so happy that I haven't done anything stupid that could jeopardize my grades yet. The feeling of procrastination is slowly lingering back into my life though. I always have the need to sleep and it takes away from my productive study time! I hate it, but I love sleeping so so much.

Aside from stuffing my face, and sleeping constantly...reading has been a big time consumer. I recently found a book that I've been really getting into. It's called Delta of Venus by Anais Nin. Basically it's dirty porn except depicted through words. Haha ok it's "erotica", but some of these stories are not sensual in any way...

Recently we (the FYSAE girls) have been able to contact our friends from Stirling, and we all collectively agree it is very nice to see their faces again. I don't know why we didn't do it sooner, but seeing their faces is better than not seeing them at all. I want to go back next year!! Can I handle a full year abroad though? I know I'd run out of dinero. Amazing...

I need to focus and write a paper for my Abnormal Psychology class. I'm supposed to turn in a proposal tomorrow, but I don't quite know what I should go for. I was thinking sexual perversion or deviance, but then my mind is heading in the direction of nature vs. nurture in criminals? College work sucks balls.

Arcadia sucks balls, but I say that in the most loving way possible.

Relationships are confusing; the opposite sex is even more confusing.

I can't wait for Nicole's birthday!!

I can't wait for Spring Break.

I can't wait to get the fuck out of here.

Separation Anxiety and Monetary Woes

2009-02-19T04:57:00.005-05:00

As usual I find life here at Arcadia to be a bit of a drag. My life has fallen into the same routine, and I'm all too familiar with it now. I go to class, nap, eat, nap, and do homework. We have the shows we normally watch and then occasionally we'll be graced by the presence of Hannah and Mollye. I wish it wasn't so boring, but in reality...anything will seem boring after being abroad for a semester. I know...I'm being completely unrealistic about the situation, but I really fucking miss Scotland.

I've been keeping in contact with my friends back in Stirling, and they're settling in with the new FYSAE people. There's a lot of drama already between the Americans and the Scottish folk. I hope they all realize how kind and fun we were to be around. I used to worry that they would forget us (in regards to some FYSAE...I wish they would be forgotten), but I see now that what we brought to the table (sometimes literally) can never be compared to. Yeah, I understand the new kids might be fun and all that jazz, but let it be known that the original BAD BOYS were there first! I really really miss Olly like crazy. That boy is so real and I miss having talks with him. Sometimes I felt like it was me doing more of the talking, and I don't think he really grasps the concept that I will always be there for him no matter how far I am. He was my neighbor and even when I felt like he didn't really need to talk to me about anything because he had Yendle or any of the other boys...I still had that affinity towards him. I miss all the girls and I miss the rest of the boys. I miss Yendle and Richard being not gay with each other. I miss Callum and his temper tantrums. I miss it all! I'll even put up with the messy kitchen if it means being back there.

I'm so sick of thinking about it all, because I know it's hindering my ability to function here. It's just a constant comparison between things here and there. However, I do realize that at this point in time there's nothing I can do. I can't walk on water (and even then I'm a fucking slow walker) to visit them. I just need to wait. I mean I have the friends I need and I have everyone from back home. They're all still really supportive and I miss them just as much.

Now, I'm having a debate with myself as to where I would like to go next. I know Stirling is on the top of that list, but I KNOW for a fact that I'll be partying like crazy. I want to be able to trust myself and to know that I will make my studies my number one priority. It's just hard to do that, when everyone else around you wants to go to Dusk or FUBAR. I want to have discipline, and I want to have control.

I got my grades back from Stirling Uni, and while they're not bad (by my standards), I know I could have done better. I got 2C's and one 3A...which is like having 3 a's and one low b. I got A's on both my American classes so I'm glad!

Also money comes into the issue (as always)...do I really have the money to do this again? I know my parents always say that education is important and if I want to go along the route of international studying then so be it. They are there to support be 150% and then some, but I know they're suffering too. Things haven't been so stable in that department with the economy being at such a poor state, I don't know how much longer they can provide for me. I would get a job in a heartbeat and I just might this summer, but I know that's not enough. I can't help but worry about paying off loans even though I don't have to think about that right now. My parents drained their savings for me, the house, and other important things, and I feel so bad just thinking about where to go next! UGH...

I even feel bad for my little bro...haha he's only in middle school, but I keep thinking how he's going to get through college if I exhaust the resources. WHY does everything have to be so expensive! When everything was cheaper, we had no money anyway...and when we have money...everything just got expensive! I don't get it. I don't like money. It can provide materialistic comfort, but there's so much stress behind it all. You know that you want to spend it, but there's that little thing called a conscience just telling you to THINK about it!

I need a drink.

OH WAIT...that costs money :[

Over There

2009-02-04T16:52:00.000-05:00

So today in my Global Philly class we were discussing photographs that have been taken around the time that 9/11 was still fresh. There were pictures of soldiers being deployed, and there were pictures of regular old citizens carrying on with their normal lives. etc. We were asked to interpret these pictures, and right off the bat one student mentioned how angry these pictures made her because [her cousin] is off fighting the war, and how she is a navy brat bla bla bla all these things contribute to why she hates war. She said that people in America do not seems to care, because if they did care they would do something about it. etc. etc.

I was conflicted by these pictures because while I do agree that these pictures show how inactive some citizens seem, is there a lot that we can do? Just because we're not wearing bullet proof vests and holding an assault riffle doesn't mean that we aren't doing anything! We can do just as much here by sending care packages and sending our thoughts via vlog or email or even a card...is there anything else we can do? I can't go in the middle of the cross fire and say, "Oh please...grow up and quit fighting!" Uh no. I can't. All I can do is just pray that they're ok, volunteer to create packages, write letters and thank them very much for all that they are doing. Just because we're not there personally doesn't mean we don't care... ok you potato head? Right, so your cousin is at war, and I can appreciate that, but you my friend are NOT the only one that is missing someone or has lost them.

While I am on this subject of military or what have you I want to mention various criticism of the different branches. I personally do not care what branch people serve...they serve for one common purpose and that is to defend and protect our country. We can all agree on that right? So why do I get shit from people WHO DON'T EVEN KNOW me or my father about ohhh The Navy...How gay! That's the pansy branch...etc. etc. While I don't know too much about any of the specific branches, I can tell you that there is nothing pansy about living on a cramped ship for long periods of time. Ew. I have respect for anyone who is willing to serve and protect while raising a family too. My father was in the Navy and was Active Duty for 20+ years! He's missed out on some important things while he was serving for America, but I do not take for granted all the opportunities he's given me. I'm proud of him no matter what branch of the military he was in. He could have been a Seal, or in the Air Force, Army, Marines, but to leave the Philippines and to find a better future the only option was the Navy (and so be it). Instead of taking the time to diss or claim how much better one is over the other, just (idk) be thankful :]

SO much for resolutions...

2009-02-02T00:46:00.000-05:00

Okay, so I said I was going to try and post at least once a week. That really hasn't happened, and in the time that has elapsed a TON has happened.

I have finally moved into Arcadia and I quickly noticed it is totally not like Stirling...AT ALL. I hate it here so much, but I'm trying to make do until I get get my plan together. Recently the career admissions office came into our class today and the speaker brought up a really good point...I can't just keep studying abroad and assume that it's OK. I have a major that I need to complete and I do need to graduate on time. I need to talk to my academic adviser and ask them how to go about studying abroad again and where I should go.

The thought of going to Australia just excites me, but when I was brushing my teeth I was thinking of all these things I could do to surprise my good friends back in Stirling! I just want to make sure that I don't take any opportunities for granted and that I head in the right direction.

In regards to this campus, I find it to be the exact opposite from Stirling. First off there are no parties of any kind. We don't know people and we don't have any friends. It's so depressing because I feel like I have so much to share with everyone, but no one is around (except Nicole) who cares to listen. It's shit really. I'm sure all the FYSAE kids aren't a big fan of campus either, but we're all trying to survive. ACTUALLY...there have been some people that I have felt a sudden rift with ever since we got here...they just totally abandoned us (us= Nicole and I collectively) and found their own friends. That's cool and all, but we didn't even get introduced or anything. I've surrounded my wall with pictures of all the good memories from Stirling and from Vegas, and I hope I can find the motivation to complete my studies here and hopefully I can one day go back to Stirling.

Academically, I feel like I have more free time to study because I don't have any friends. I just study, eat, and watch Nip/Tuck. I actually summoned the courage to go to the Stirling website and check my grades. I got 2f's across the board. So ok sure it's not the best grade (that's about a "b" average) but I'm glad I didn't fail...or else that would fuck up my chances significantly.

I was going through my blog earlier and I found one post from around Thanksgiving where I wrote about all my hall mates back in AKD. I haven't posted it because I think I was too drunk, but when I look at it now it makes me laugh, and hopefully I'll be able to post it soon!

I guess this will be it for now, until I can muster up something else to write about.

Oh. p.s. so Nicole's mom took me to church today and she said that since it was my first time visiting that church...I get 3 wishes...so I did, and even if they don't happen at this moment, I hope they happen one day!

New Year, New Goals

2008-12-30T04:50:00.000-05:00

Goal 1.
Update this blog AT LEAST once a week. A nice weekly wrap up would be nice right? I mean it's a BLOG for a reason...a web LOG...to LOG what I have currently been up to (which hasn't been much) so maybe that's why I don't update as often as I wish I did.

---------------------

Haha I lied...I can't set up goals. I REFUSE to do resolutions! At the end of the year, I'll look at my list made at the eve of the new year, and I feel like my life was a total dismal failure! SO anyway...

I have arrived home from my fun and wild times at Stirling University, and I feel like a huge hole in my heart has emerged. The remaining chunk of beatling flesh was left on the 4th floor on AK Davidson. I've been having a strong sense of melancholy when I'm in my room by myself, so I enjoy seeing my friends from home. Don't get me wrong, I miss everyone here, but I love everyone that I left behind. I'm seriously considering going back to Stirling next semester, but I fear that it just won't be the same. WAHHHH!

So right, there is a new semester in front of me and I'm in total panic mode about that. This is actually my first legit time being in an American university, and UHHHH I don't know what I'm doing. I mean I'm sure I'll have no problem adjusting to things, but I didn't even know that there was a difference between twin and twin extra long. RIGHT! I'm atleast happy about who my pending roommate is! Bring on the fun!

Speaking of fun. Tuesday :] will be good stuff! It'll be a mini ATECH reunion of old mates I haven't seen in a while.

Giving Thanks post Thanksgiving

2008-11-29T14:40:00.000-05:00

In order to not feel so terrible for not doing my essay, I'm going to write a blog so I atleast have something to do other than checking facebook every uh 3 seconds! Seriously...it's getting annoying, but I just can't stop.

This is my first, and hopefully not last Thanksgiving where I was not at home with my family. I know that sounds a bit weird, but I feel like while I still can, I'd like to take advantages of the oppurtunities placed in my lap (such as studying abroad). Anywho...while thinking about it, I was kind of upset for not being home on one of the most delicious holidays (and best sales ever), but I get to share something new with my family here in Scotland! I worked so hard (and I know all the Americans did too) to make sure that the food was extra mouthwatering. I cooked six dishes! Honey baked ham, chicken (Euan chucked it in for me), Macaroni salad, Cheese Cake, roasted veggies, and pot pie (and veggie one too). The other Americans cooked food too! I've never had sweet potatos before this, and I've never been a big fan of stuffing, but Hannah made some bomb ass shit. The desserts were so good. Everything was amazing for us being poor uni students!

We all dressed "smart" and had two tables put in our kitchen to accomodate everyone that was attending. We even had the other Americans who were studying through Arcadia come by and celebrate with us. Afterwards we all said what we were thankful for and I said stupid shit. It's the thought that counts! I love everyone on my floor, and I wish I got to know them sooner so I don't feel like I have to rush to know them so well before I leave. It's the 29th, and it's about 22 more days until i have to go home! I'm ready, but at the same time I dread packing my shit up and having to leave this tiny dorm room I've come to know as "home". UGH.

Oh I thought I should mention that my freaking sleep schedule is so fucked up. I go tosleep at like 6 in the morning, wake up at like 3 in the afternoon, and then go to bed again at like 5 or 6 the next day. I never see the sunrise, and when I do...it's when I go to bed. I always wake to the sun setting...

Everything.

2008-11-19T22:10:00.000-05:00

I'm currently sitting on my barely upholstered desk chair trying to come up with a valid excuse for being so negligent towards my blog. So many wonderful things have happened to me over the months that I've been here, and it's such a shame that I didn't even bother documenting them all. Instead I have gay little blurbs here and there (and one wasn't even by me) letting you know where I've been or where I'm going. I've been so busy with doing other things that I couldn't even be bothered to state the taste of alcohol creeping down my throat, or writing about the weather, or the night life, or even sex. Yeah I said it, but I won't elaborate. :]

Out of all days that I chose to write in this thing, I chose today because it's significant to my stay here. Today is the 19th of November and it marks exactly one month until I come home. I'm incredibly overjoyed yet so grief-stricken by the fact that I'm leaving. I will be leaving all the new connections, people, and new friends I have met during this incredible journey. I may still be the pudgy, asian girl that left during the dwindling days of summer, and when I come back I'm going to be the pudgy asian girl...but I'm going to come back with so much more than weight (haha). I'm bringing back jaffa cakes, a new knowledge on alcohol, scottish slang and maybe even a twang! I'm bringing back numerous amounts of memories that can't ever be expressed through words or even interpretive dance.

I know it's inevitable and I have to leave, but that isn't even the saddest part. The saddest part is knowing that once we're gone...we're going to be replaced. The saddest part is knowing that my connection with my friends here will never be on the same level. The saddest part is knowing that I may be forgotten in the midst of this challenging and exciting time at the uni. I don't ever want to forget them, but I know that I'm going to forget the smell of the kitchen (or stench when it's not clean)...I'm going to forget what it's like being in my room, the sex noises in the corridor, and what it's like smelling the pot in the hallway when Olly lights up. I'm going to miss this place so so much!

Despite all that I've said...I still can't wait until I'm going down the escalator from Terminal D to Baggage Claim.

:D

2008-10-25T01:17:00.000-04:00

This is Joe, proxyblogging for Mellanie!

School has been really intense with essays and shit. And I'm excited for Tuesday. I'm going to Spain. :D

I love hanging out with my schoolmates here in Scotland, it's so much fun!

I'm really busy and tired, so I'll blog again later. :]

what?

2008-10-02T14:38:00.000-04:00

I booked and confirmed my flight to spain today.
I'll be going to Barcelona in about three weeks?
Next weekend I'm going to Malvern, Worcestershire.
i'm just a busy traveling, wandering aimlessly bee.
trying to survive this hectic university life.

i can't believe it

2008-09-22T12:33:00.000-04:00

i'm so so so FAR AWAY from everyone. Scotland. wow...

so my classes started this week. (end of last) I'm in Philosophy, British History, Glasgow in the 19th century, English, and ID106 (a FYSAE class). Everything is going quite well. I'm making tons of new friends and last night we all got together and made a sunday dinner. I made chicken pot pie and everyone seemed to like it! I'm going to Malvern next weekend for a camping trip...i can't can't WAIT!

Facebook has tons of random pictures of my weekend if you wanted to check it out. Otherwise...give me a few days to upload them onto here!

Oh so a comedian once said that college was like "an extended co-ed camp with various "overnight stays"..."

he was so right.

today is my brother's birthday. He's 11 today. boy he's growing up. I remember when he was cute and didn't have teeth and his smile was gummy. Now he's a fatty that loves the internets. oh brother. :D happy birthday Mark!

let me TOOT MY HORN

2008-09-18T20:52:00.000-04:00

so tonight was the first night I was alone. All my other "American" friends were at a lecture for a class I didn't have. So I made dinner with the other guys and we had fun making conversation. The invited me to play LASER TAG!!! how could I say no?! and then lucky us!! we were the first to get there! It was a game that lasted about 7 minutes inside this big inflateable tent thing. it was AWESOME. and guess who won. ME. 1208. haha i know that's not a big score, but it was the highest one compared to the rest. wooooot!

AK DavidSON

2008-09-17T21:24:00.000-04:00

So I haven't updated in two weeks. In that time span I've left London, been to Edburgh, went to a homestay for four days, and moved into Stirling University in AK Davidson. I've been missing a lot of you and I do sincerly apologize for not keeping you up to date on my where/whatabouts. (if you care :]) I have pictures to show you all!!

I love AKD! I love Stirling! Ok so as you may or may not know Arcadia is exactly like ATECH. It's campus houses about 4,500 students (undergrad and post) and the average ratio of teachers to student is 1 to 18. Here at Stirling...I'm one of 9,000 undergrad students. The campus is HUGE and it's fucking crazy. The Cottrell Building (which is where my Philosophy class is) was built after a DNA molecule so there's all these different compartments and stairs and I don't know! We have our own Loch (lake) in the middle of the campus and there are tiny cute little rabbits everywhere. There are ducks and geese and squirels everywhere! The weather is amazing. It's like November in Las Vegas...except misty. it's quite nice.

I don't mean to brag, but the fourth floor has some pretty cute boys! YES!

So there have been plenty of firsts here for me so far. I can't imagine what it will be like coming home to see you all. My friend recently got a package delivered to her and when she opened the box there was mac and cheese and ramen and candy corn...along with other stuff from her parents. I won't lie I miss the little things that I took for granted in Vegas...I miss my Mang Thomas and Banana Ketchup! I miss Mochi, and boba (THEY DON'T HAVE IT HERE), I miss Hello Panda, and Pocky. I miss so many things!

Oh. I tried Hagis. IT'S DELICIOUS.

I swear on my asian soul that it tastes exactly EXACTLY like corn beef hash!

jason mraz is writing songs for me

2008-09-03T11:42:00.000-04:00

"Boy I hear you in my dreams
I feel your whisper across the sea
I keep you with me in my heart
You make it easier when life gets hard"

The most monumental, most amazing, most life changing moment just occured in my life this morning. I am THRILLED, i am EXCITED, i am SCARED...

Most importantly, I'm in love.

golden train

2008-08-31T19:14:00.001-04:00

I'm going to be the first to admit that I am having a relapse. There are so many things that I wish I had right now. I wish I had my own room, my own pantry back, the ability to do my own laundry, the ability to walk around the house in my underwear (I can do that here too), and yes I miss mike and charlit too (kind of), I miss seeing Jaci and Joe...and I miss the sun...I miss being taken cared of. I'm not asking to be waited on hand and foot, but I miss it when my mom walks into my room and wakes me up. I miss my friends calling me to see how things are going or to let me know what's happening tonight. A lot of the kids here are saying how they aren't really homesick and whatnot...I am. I'll never get over it. Everything I do...I have my family or friends in mind.

I had such a mind blowing Saturday. The morning started off with us getting on the tube and going to a hindu temple. It was amazing! The inside was so intricate and beautiful! We then went to St. Paul's Cathedral and I climbed 532 steps to get to the very top. I was so amazed at the view and at myself! (I was dying by like the 200th step). Later on that night I went out to a club. >.> it was ok. Dancing and clubs are only fun if you're tipsy though. More people are nice to you...I wonder why. haha I didn't think it was super amazing. What happened that night was fun!

We got off on Angel Tube station, then Hannah and I decided to go for a walk. We hopped on a night bus and traveled all the way to the London Bridge by Big Ben, then we ended up on brick lane, and we were REALLY LOST. The tubes all closed and most busses were out of service. We had no map, little cash, no emergency contact, no cell phone and I had to pee so bad. It was almost 2 o clock in the morning and we finally found a cab that took us home. THE TAXI DRIVER TOLD US we were 5 MILES FROM HOME...we walked all the way from london bridge to brick lane which he said was about 3 miles. We got home around 2 :30 in the morning! It was such an adventure, but I would not recommend doing that again.

I also saw Chicago a few nights ago. The university has us doing lots of events that keep me busy. I'm glad they do because once I'm in my dorm...it get's lonely...and that's when I start thinking of all of you!

With all the things that I'm missing...there are plenty of things that I'm not! I don't miss all the free food that I get from Joe's mom, mike and charlit, and joe v. hahahahhaa I've lost some weight here >.<>

union jack

2008-08-27T18:39:00.000-04:00

london is fun stuff! Today is my second here and so far I have loved every minute of it. I don't feel like such a forienger because they still speak english here :] Haven't blogged for a while because I've been super busy. I left monday afternoon for newark airport in New Jersey. We departed around 7 o clock and got to london tuesday morning around 8. I didn't sleep and the first thing I did when I got to my dorm was LUG TWO HUGE SUIT CASES TO THE TOP FLOOR. i'm staying on floor four >.<

today I woke up around 7 well rested and ready to explore! I got ready and after breakfast we took a tour of the university here in London. Afterward i went on a self guided tour of Buckingham Palace. the dining hall is amazing! sadly i wasn't able to take pictures inside. even the guards weren't out! it was annoying. After the tour we went to a pub where my professor bought a round of beers for all the stirling university students!

i had my very first pint of way strong beer. the alcohol content is twice of what we have in america. I didn't get drunk or tipsy. hahah and i didn't turn lokyi cherry red either. I'm not a big fan of beer. it's really strong. Around 7 we went bowling where i tried a few more drinks. no effect. hahaha then we walked around wellington. the weather was so nice! i took the tube home and i didn't get lost! yay! i'm having a great time, and i'm experiencing a ton of things that most "young adults" my age don't get to! i've actually starting looking through my english books for class in september. Tomorrow our delegation of students will be going to see CHICAGO! i can't wait to see what the theatre is like here :D We're also going to see the London Eye, and hopefully I'll make my way to SOHO!!

i miss everyone!!

wawa in glenside

2008-08-24T01:06:00.000-04:00

so apparently there's this amazing place called wawa here in the east coast. its a "seven eleven" on crack. there's a computerized deli type thing. it was pretty awesome. they have tasteycakes and these delicious cheese things? cuisine here is quite interesting. they don't know what sonic or in and out is. or atleast none of the people I talked to. im so intrigued by these east coast people. I sound like an observer or something...or well I am. they must think im kind of exotic too...hopefully. there was a dance today...college dances / parties are way more exciting. the ratio of girls to guys is freaking 4 to 1. AND if you're a guy you're most likely gay...perfect joe! im bonding with the fysae girls quite well I think. im so excited my orientation leaders are so funny...and one of the OLs called me cute...i shouldnt be cute...i should be amazing! they gave me the nickname marvelous Mellanie. haha im adjusting quite well I think. wait til I leave ill be crying...alot.

showers of the college

2008-08-23T07:44:00.000-04:00

yesterday was my very first shower at a college dorm. thank god I've been camping before because this is exactly what its like...the wilderness! everyone off to fend for themselves. just kidding. actually its quite nice. everyone is friendly and the weather is superb, with the exception of the mild humidity...but that's expected. my "room" is consisted of a 20x15 box with 10 beds in it. talk about messy. all of us girls are part of the study abroad program and we all leave monday!! I can't wait.

a cute soccer boy helped me move my shit to the third floor dorm. woot! day two is in my face...well see how that goes.

what the shit

2008-08-22T03:30:00.000-04:00

I've never been more freaked out about what's going to happen in a few hours than anything else in my life. I'm scared of CHANGE. and SO FREAKING DRASTICALLY TOO. ugh sometimes i think, man MAN MAN...i'm so ready for this. and then I turn into a big pussy and just wimp out. I thought I could do this, and I'll finally wrap my head around the idea that ...I AM DOING THIS. For now, I just need some comforting words from the one person who could offer them, and it's probably not even a possibility. There's just so much more going on than just an upcomming orientation and meeting new people. I feel like I'm unraveling at the seems, and I DON'T NEED THIS.

Like Jaci said...this is my personal blog...so I should be able to blog about personal things. Well that's not really my case. Some things are too personal. I'm confused, ashamed, overwhelmed, and I feel so isolated.

I want to pull out my hair and scream.

HOLY CRAP

2008-08-16T01:15:00.000-04:00

I just (ALMOST) died right now! I'm watching Michael Phelps and he just OWNED Cavic REALLY DAMN HARD.

"Cavic’s time was 50.59.

The Serbian delegation filed a protest, but conceded that Phelps won after reviewing the tape provided by FINA, swimming’s governing body. USA Swimming spokeswoman Jamie Olson said the tape was slowed to one frame every 10-thousandth of a second to make sure Phelps actually touched first."

omg amazing. lol but it is ridiculous...he's winning EVERYTHING. shoot. go on and drink yourself some of that haterade Cavic!

seems like quite a few people are excited for tomorrow...i hope i don't diappoint. throwing parties always makes me nervous.

MY CHRISTMAS WISHLIST

2008-08-13T04:27:00.001-04:00

Dear Santa,

if you're not too busy...I'd like to ask for a favor. could you please please please just drop Michael Phelps onto my bed please? I'd just want to spend a few hours with him. and if i can't have Michael Phelps...can i have someone who looks strikingly similar to him? I'd prefer that he like me back, and plans to spend the rest of his life with me. I would also like for him to be funny, intelligent, and caring(of me of course). If this happens...I'll never bother you for anything else (unless it's urgent).

with love (and cookies),
Mellanie Rhae

too much

2008-08-12T05:18:00.000-04:00

i am...i can't believe I'm going to say this...getting tired of going out. LE GASP! my parents did state that i do go out too much, and i didn't disagree. however, i'd like to state that i go out to do appropriate things! I don't go out and have promiscuous sex, get high/crunk, or to traffic my hos...

i do enjoy staying home and working on finishing things that need to be done. I have to finish my summer reading, finish my other sewing project, finish reading my summer "trashy novel", and FINISH PACKING. I totally thought oh...i have PLENTY of time...but I leave next week. *SIGH*

I had a busy weekend. actually...a really really busy Saturday. On friday I went to go ice skating (UGH ICE SKATING) with key club. I saw david armour! and jorge, and other random people i haven't seen in a long time. I didn't fall, and i didn't hurt anyone. Afterward charlit, mikey and I went to take some cue pictures, and then we went to go eat PHO! oh those cue pictures are very interesting :p

then i got freaky Saturday morning (jk)....that means i woke up late. then i went to feed meikle's dog, then to elaine's party, then to mike's going away party, and then to do some LATE NIGHT errands, back to feed the damn dog and then i got home around midnight ><. Elaine's birthday was so typical...it was scary. :D everything i imagined it would be...it was. there was the yummy, super good/fattening food (and of course) the lechon! good games, good friends, and of course swimming! I got to see so many people i haven't seen all summer, and it is quite refreshing! We stayed for a bit, and then we headed over to say goodbye to mike. It was really chill, and boy did he have yummy food :p i'm going to miss the guy...he leaves TODAY. I just get anxious when i think of all the oppurtunities he'll get to experience...while he "accelerates his life" (btw the army tag line is so much more...catchy). :D

---
in some other not so related news (but still interesting)...meikle had his baby! i think it happened last thursday. paula had a c section and they named the child Kelsey. I'm glad paula is home now and getting some rest before baby comes home. I was asked to take care of morgan while meikle spent some sleepless nights watching over both of his ladies! Seriously..what would he do without me? His family lives so far, and his other friend that lives here is working in Pahrump. I'm basically the only one who he can depend on to take care of his house/cats/other animals/car while he's gone! Lol it's a scary thought isn't it? mellanie has access to your house, mail, and most importantly food! What he has in his pantry is totally what we don't have in ours. i know meikle will be an interesting parent, and with someone so cute and so feminine like Paula...I know Kelsey will grow up to be one pretty cool kid.
---

last minute details and invitations to my birthday are being sent out and handled. I am so excited for this!
i love you!

auf wiedersehen

2008-08-07T07:37:00.001-04:00

i don't know why...i didn't take a nap or anything yesterday. I just bummed around the house and updated myspace like crazy. So it's about 4:37, and i just finished making a dress. I was inspired after watching project runway today!

the theme was to create an outfit that is to be worn at the 2008 olympic open (USA will be wearing it of course)...so I found a simple dress pattern...i mean even mongoloids can do it. I looked around for some fabric and off i went! Of course me being the fruit cake that I am..i had NO patience to sew carefully, or diligently...so if you stare long enough...you can TOTALLY notice that my rouching is all crooked and, and i didn't take the time to hem the bottom (i didn't really need to). it took me about 2 hours to basically put together a tube. yay me! i mean it's wearable. The top is secure, and the seems are hidden (no exposed holes, thread, crap...) I just don't feel comfortable showing the world my huge arms, so i might add sleeves.inspiration

my mess

here's a picture (mind you it's really late...or super early) so i look like crap. you can't tell but the bottom is light pink little flowers, and the top is a mocha/chocolate shiny brown

oh and i'm glad that woman who made bland crap based on "holly go lightly meets salvador dali" woman is GONE...she WAS SO BORING. i mean don't get me wrong she made nice things, but she did the same thing every week, she did not push the evelope! i mean tim gunn, mr. girlicious will not tolerate "boring".

game works & naughty pictures

2008-08-05T16:50:00.001-04:00

oh man "HELLOOOO" as i lift up your skirt. it's like a mild version of sharking! speaking of shark...hehehehe we saw a video yesterday that was SO funny. It's one of thse videos that's just like wtf...but at he same time it's hilarious! Joe, Jaci and I hung out yesterday. They took me to gameworks...I mostly agreed to go because I WAS SO HUNGRY. Joe had a burger that was bigger than my face and got a card. I hardly found the card/money was put to good use.

the highlight of my day was when Jaci and I took turns lifting each other's clothing. I lifted her skirt and she TRIED TO lift up my shirt. mwhahahaha. i love spending time with them! it was even more fun seeing the two send each other naughty pictures. even if they were like 2 feet away from each other.

so i mysteriously lost all of my widgets and i tried looking for new ones. The only one I found interesting was blogger buddy. it's basically a small version of blogger on your side bar and it allows you to blog and it upoads it automaticaly to your blog! if you're looking for anything new..you should try this!

oooh so i sent out the invitations for my birthday today and last night, and in just 5 hours i got 11 rsvps! yay! i'll update more later.

TAKING OVER THE WORLD

2008-08-03T00:34:00.000-04:00

Powers of persuasion! I want to MASTER the art of the law of attraction...where "like attracts like" :D haha I had my taste of it today, and ever since then...I knew that I am destined to get what I want. HAH. So exactly what happened? My parentals, joe, and I went to Port of Subs today, and while I was paying for the subs I was eyeing the decidant brownie in the bowl. and i used my jedi mind trick to tell him...give me that brownie. I asked how much the brownie was and he goes..."GO FOR IT" (that's code for MELLANIE YOU'RE AMAZING! so amazing that I will give you that brownie!) I shared the loot with joe and my brother. hahahahaha! I love getting free yummy things...just like how jaci got a FREE "SHAKES OF CHOCOLATE" at In n Out! mwhahaha.

Brian Choe came over today to pick up his gi for jiu jitsu and we got to talking about high school etc. :D he makes me miss some people! I'm glad he's going to be in pittsburg, because if I ever get homesick...I could call him up. He TOO bought a rice cooker for college. haha we have the same one! he's leaving on the 17th so he's going to be able to go to my birthday! YES.

it's the 2nd...and that means about three more weeks until my birthday..and THEN I LEAVE TO SEE THE REST OF THE WORLD! i'm SO EXCITED. i can't wait to experience the culture, the people, the alcohol....JK. i think.

ugh i'm so hyper! I can't stop. Since i had to sew up brian's gi...i got back into sewing. I'm making a diaper bag for my aunt's hot hot baby. I'm still contemplating on whether or not I want to make myself another bag. I want something not so...cartoon-y. I want some organic fabrics, but I haven't had the chance to go out and throw myself at the yards of fabulous knits at hancock or at jo-anns. SPEAKING OF FABRICS...

have any of you been keeping up with the new season of project runway? I have. (duh) So far, I have no clear favorite. I mean When I watched the other seasons, I had a favorite right away. I loved Austin Scarlett, and Daniel Vosovic, Chloe Dao, SANTINO, Rami, AND MOST RECENTLY....my favorite hot tranny mess...Christian Siriano etc. As of now, I am still deciding who I like on this season. :D watch season five on Bravo!

oh and while on the topic of fashion, and gay...I too have finished school shopping! (sort of) you can never have too many cute clothes. I mostly aimed for basics, and things that can be layered, and a few cute casual dresses. I bought shoes like these! oh and according to that picture...I'm uber yellow, but actually I've been geting tan. really bad, but who wants to wear jeans in vegas weather? psh! I'm not looking forward to the different voltage in europe though! it's 220 there, so there is a potential chance of me frying my hair, burning my rice, and ELECTROCUTING MYSELF.

ciao!

firetruck

2008-07-28T11:29:00.000-04:00

so its been a few days since I last blogged...ive been meaning to write about all that happened. recently I've been out with jaci and joe to take cue photos at this little accessories shop by q karaoke. its so much fun! thank god joe was there and understood some stuff. the pictures turned out uber cute! in the few days that I've been a social butterfly...ive also seen and hung out with mike lee, and charlit.

it amazes me that we've known each other for four years at atech, and only when it's all through do we become really good friends. I guess it's funny because I've had all that time to get to know them...and now I feel like we're in a hurry because im leaving soon. I feel that way about a lot of people.

so I've come to realize that my birthday is roughly about 3 weeks away. im excited and upset all at the same time. im happy that ill finally be legal! with legality comes possibility of buying cigs, going to strip clubs, being able to go inside "adult stores", and I can finally get a tattoo. yay? haha this will be a chance for me to start another year of life and for that im thankful :) but im also a bit bumped because im starting to realize... no joke... life is starting for me and I don't know if im prepared. I don't know what to expect this upcoming year!

I can't wait for the party :D! it sucks that it has to be mid august, because I know a lot of you guys are leaving soon :(. I've started to plan the menu! sharon was kind enough to work on my invitations, and my parents keep talking about what we're doing. haha many of you may know me for having sporadic, intimate get togethers with a few classmates, but with the potential list of people I plan on inviting...this party is going to be the biggest for me! im excited to see you.

anyway...to move onto another topic without an intro...I've been getting A LOT of back to school shopping mags. places like target, sams club, dell, and sony have been sending my stuff. I think they portray student life in college to be hunky dori! haha I understand that they have to make their products look like they belong...but the room design and the closet space they portray is unrealistic :p...or maybe that's what its really like in some schools! in that case...maybe I need to transfer :)

til we need again!!
oooh p.s.
I saw tyler chan last night at red rock while I was with the soetantos... wow he hasn't changed at all. haha then again it was only last month that I saw him.

safety word

2008-07-15T04:02:00.000-04:00

what have you gotten yourself into? lol the thought of leaving all that is familiar behind is EXHILARATING! i'm excited to see what else is out there. I'm excited to start fresh and i'm excited to be placed into a brand new environment. I'm craving the culture shock, and the listless nights spent thinking about my family and friends...wondering if they miss me too. I'm looking forward to thrust myself (hahaha) into new situations! I want to be uncomfortable, I want to be the first year in the quad looking like a deer facing headlights.

actually...I'm saying all this to psych myself out. Maybe...just maybe...if I start cutting mental ties to some things...I won't be so attached, and thus transitions won't be so difficult. maybe my approach to this is all wrong? I mean don't I want to keep those memories? so when times get rough, I'll have them to push me forward. ya know? yo no se.

I enjoy spending nights with close friends. I love being in a room huddled in bed watching horrible renditions of classic horror films! I love tickle fights and I love smelling Jaci (she smells fruity). I love making fun of mike...even though you know I love you! I love late night drives to Taco Bell...ugh talk about unhealthy. We all watched the Miss Universe 2008 pagent. ok Mexico should have won..or atleast get 1st runner up. I personally was a Dominican Republic fan. I was watching the ladies yesterday...and damn. they're all pretty (with the exception of Russia). I loved how they were lean and long. I aspire to have a fit body...eventually.

I've had this fascination with my legs recently. They're fat, and way tan, and stubby (I'm short), but I stay longer when I'm on the elliptical, and I'm obsessed with the "vagina" machine in the gym...actually it's HIP ABDUCTOR/ HIP ADDUCTOR. it's great the for the thighs (and hips duh)... I hope to incorporate fitness into my life more...because uh lets face it. i could do without an extra 20 pounds...30 lol even 40! I'm dreading the "freshman 15" I totally do NOT need that. I enjoy working out, but then when I get home...my fat ass has a snack :x and i totally don't know how/ or what to do to curb my appetite.

oh and btw. As far as body modification/ tattoos goes...Jaci's cute little stars are all I've really paid attention to. but I stumbled across this. and all i can say is WOW. it elongates her neck. much like the thai women who use metal coils.

perfecting the craft...

2008-07-11T00:05:00.000-04:00

ok. shopping at the premium outlets sucks big elephantitis balls when it's super hot outside like it was today! I'm happy with my purchases though. I bought a few tops, and mom went buck wild at the coach store. lol. I love the GAP! We purchased luggage about a month ago, and uh my mom's picking it up tomorrow because she wants me to start packing (to see what more I need)... D: it feels...like my parents are in a rush to send me out the door.

p.s. it's disheartening seeing all the fancy europeans spend their money at the mall...because they know what deals they're snagging in America :[ oh mr. euro

In need of an Image Consultant! Pronto!

2008-07-10T01:45:00.000-04:00

Jaci...you are not alone. shopping is so much fun, but it's so frustrating...esp if you're indecisive like moi. I know what i want, but i don't know what I want. It's like Clinton and Stacey gave me a 5000 card, and I'm not following the rules. I was at the mall for a ridiculous 5 hours, and I only bought a few things. My favorite buy of all today were sperry top siders. Lol i don't know why I need boating shoes in Scotland, but they're really comfortable (despite the "elder" look) haha. I wouldn't consider myself frugal or thrifty, I'm just "conservative" with money so I freaked out when my mom let me buy them. Maybe this is why I'm having a hard time buying things. I don't find alot of the things out there worth paying that much for. Recently, I've noticed the shirts for girls are pretty thin and they cost just as much...I feel like some stores are skipping out on the quality of their products! Or is "sheer" popular right now? I don't even know what to do with myself. I don't know what "style" to go for, or what "basics" I need. Boo...or maybe I'm just picky. Idk. Part II tomorrow!

back with a vengeance

2008-07-07T04:02:00.000-04:00

campus!

I am negligent. I haven’t blogged in 2 months. That is ridiculous! I mean I’ve wanted to blog, but there was always something that held me back. Or maybe I’m selfish and I wanted to keep things to myself. That’s not it. SO where do I go from here? I don’t know really. So much has happened in the past [almost] two months, and it would be a shame not to give honorable mention to the past events!

MAY 16th… Key Club Banquet 2008; it was such a bittersweet event. I was so glad that my term was finally over. I was happy to pass along the duties and responsibilities to someone I trusted. It was bitter knowing that (on my part) I had so many shortcomings. I felt like I could have done better. I was learning along the way which kind of sucked. I want to train Emily better, but I’m not sure if I’m giving her everything she needs. Kind of like a parent…you want to tell them all you wish you knew to prepare them better, but you may miss a few things! Anyway, the fod was good, and the video Magie made was really really nice. I’m happy! A belated, but a very heartfelt thank you to all the people who helped set up, buy things, and run everywhere to make sure this went well. My parents don’t get enough credit (actually everyone’s parents don’t get enough credit), but seriously without your help throughout the year, I’d be dead. Thanks to the members for being so amazing! I think one of my favorite members this year was Mike Rushing and Mike Lee. Mike Rushing didn’t even go to our school this year and he managed to make it to Fall Rally, DCON, a few other projects, and banquet! Mike Lee (despite how gay he is) bent over backwards to give me rides and he even came over to help with Elaine’s campaign, helped me make posters and even stayed after school for stuff too. Despite making fun of you for being Mike Lee, you don’t know how much you’ve helped! Thank you everyone.

MAY 17TH…PROM 2008. What happened…where did it go…why did it seem SO SHORT?! I had so much fun! I was running late as usual, but it was soooo my fault! So I left my backpack in Meikle’s room (which had my driver’s license) so I spent a good 4 hours trying to get that shit. I had to get the corsages and then get hair and makeup done. I finally got my license though! Mr. Meikle drove to ATECH to get it for me. Nice. Everyone looked so nice! I’d like to say that I can clean up pretty well! I had this amazing black corset under my dress to define the hourglass shape my dress had. It was tight, and it hurt, but it felt so so good. After prom we went back to my house and went swimming, went to the spa, and played some games. Charlit didn’t go to prom, but he came over and hung out with us! We had the BEST spaghetti and eggrolls ever. Around 5 in the morning we watched a crazy Japanese movie…everyone fell asleep half way through. It was ridiculous. The boys were supposed to sleep in one room, and the girls in the other, but we all fell asleep together in the guest bedroom. Ugh I had Joe Soetanto to my left, Elaine to my right, and people were sprawled all over the floor. Hahaha by 7 in the morning we were all up again! I had a huge penis drawn on my leg, and Roy had a few on him too. I wish I could have gone to a few of the crazy parties, but I had so much fun at home too!

June 4th…Last day of school. It was so so so un-epic! We were done with tests, and that day was reserved for graduation practice! We rehearsed twice and the Student Council kids, and speakers for their gowns so we didn’t have to wait for them in the lunchroom. Sharon and Charlit took me home. We set up a BBQ in the park and invited a few people over at the park. It was nice, there were water balloons too. THEN THE WEATHER TURNED SHITTY. We had to move it to my house. Mike and Corey came over too…they jumped in the pool. I jumped in the pool, and so did a few other people. Good food and good friends that day! I didn’t get to say goodbye to many people though. We watched a few movies. People left around 3 in the morning!

June 11th…GRADUATION DAY. That was the most exciting time of my life. Truly, if my life were a big time line, there would be a very big dot on this date because it was that important. I felt gay in teal, but in the end all I wanted to see was “honors” on my diploma. I got leis, and candy necklaces, and my daddy even made me a necklace with money! Hehehe. Joe’s mom bought me a dooney and burke purse thing…seriously the best present ever. I got to do the pledge, I felt so proud being up there! Hehe I was scared that my face looked scary on the huge screen! After graduation I look pictures with as many people as I could, and then Joe’s family and my family along with Elaine, Nancy, Mark, Tynah, Denny, Pyline and Lilien went to go eat Dim Sum! Everyone got stuffed and we headed over to go ice skating! David Armour came over too! After ice skating, we went back to my house (we always seem to go back there) and watched more movies. We got this crazy asian movie called “Infection”…what a weird movie. Then again, aren’t all asian movies creepy? Joe, Mike, Roy and I learned a new card game. Oh shit. The last people to leave didn’t leave until like 5 in the morning >.<
PARTY PARTY PARTY. The week of graduation was nothing but parties! I went every single day from June 8 to the 14th. On the 8th I volunteered with Key Club at Green Valley Ranch. The boys found some hot woman that they couldn’t take their eyes off of. After that we went to Winston’s party. I got home at like 1 in the morning. While at winston’s, I was getting ready to leave so I opened the door. There was this SCARY HUGE black man. He was like can I use your phone? I had my cell phone in my hand, so I couldn’t say no. I was scared he was going to run away with my phone. I tried to call over Joe or Mike, but they were saying bye to people! Finally when Joe came over, he was done with my phone. I was so scared. The 9th was my friend Cassandra’s birthday party. Kim C. went with me. Then we went to the mall to find a dress. When we finished it was around 9, and we couldn’t find the car! It was so sad. We walked around for 45 minutes looking for it, until I realized that we walked around the WRONG lot! The 12th was Tynah’s graduation party! I went to her house, and did some Karaoke at this amazing cute little place by Café Moda. The 13th was Jana’s party that I didn’t get to go to D:! I went to see Jared Harvey…after 3 years! He had a graduation party, and wow…very interesting. Then finally on the 14th was JACI’S party and CATHRYNNE’S party!! Jaci was right…it was polar opposite. Her party was so chill and in a bar! And then Cat’s party was in the Rampart Hotel..oooooh it was so fancy! The food was so yum!

On the 16th I went to the Hospital…for partying too hard. Haha no. I went to get shots for college! Boo! I got five that day! Then two days later on the 18th, I had 9 tubes of blood withdrawn from me. The nurse (even if she was super nice) COULD NOT FIND A VEIN. I had to get pricked 4 times. I know it’s not that bad, but I’m a big vagina when it comes to needles and blood. Esp needles. I kept the bandages on way longer then I know most people do. I was scared I’d start spurting blood while I was at the gym.

On the 19th of June I left for Philadelphia for a summer orientation. I was so scared, it was like starting from scratch (and it is). I met the 15 people I’m going to Scotland with. Overall, there are around 50 out of 600 students going overseas to the three locations (Ireland, Scotland, and London). The location that had the most students going is London. There are about 20-25. In my group There are three boys. No black people. There are two Hispanic/latinos going. And ONE ASIAN GIRL! That’s me….haha. In the group of 50 though, there are two girls. Me and Maddy. Wow SHE LOOKED EXACTLY LIKE CHO CHANG! Hehehe.
A few things I learned about the campus in Scotland:

- I will be living in a SINGLE dorm…they’re all like that!
- I don’t need to bring sheets because they provide them, and do they my laundry every week.
- There is only a small (expensive) café on campus. Most likely no meal plan for me.
- There is a kitchen at the end of the hall where students have access to a stove, ref, freezer, microwave and that’s where most students cook their food!
- The dorm I’ll be staying at is AK Davidson…it's known for their partying ways
- THE EXCHANGE RATE IS 2 DOLLARS FOR every 1 £. That is so so sooo bad!
- I leave on August 21st and come back for break on December 20th!

Honestly I am so scared…if I were a man, my balls would crawl back into my stomach. I don’t know how I can handle being gone for 4 months. I know enough (don’t talk to strangers, look both ways before crossing, don’t leave the drink unattended, etc.) but I’m scared of school, do I trust myself to be on top of work? I need that push! Usually I get that from my parents, but I don’t have them this time around. I’ve traveled alone before, but that was only a month long, this is 3 months longer, and I don’t know how I’ll manage! We’ll see how it goes on departure day.

July 5th was charlit's birthday party! it was so chill! I had so much fun. Him and Thomas made some amazing chicken thingys. Sharon made the yummy salad and planned the party! We watched UFC 86 (my first fight ever!). We played rock band too! I watched Jaci own the boys at Brawl! Mike, Lilien, Charlit, and I watched the Pixar cake challenge. annnnd we played a few other fun games. YAY fun! YAY gamestop card! YAY fun predicaments. YAY jaci for being amazing at S&B! happy birthday!

TODAY...JULY 6TH. was a ridiculous day for RISK. We played the regular version and the Lord of the Rings version. WTF. that's all I have to say. haha oh and having someone like Mike Rushing around helps alot. THANK YOU. hahah because he'll save you from the evils of BLACK troops trying to rape you from the back, the front, and everywhere else! I have so much fun when I hang out with the boys. Unless they talk about hot girls....then I feel inadequate, but that's why I took mental notes, because I want to improve! I want to come back in December, and I want them to say....wow we took you for granted. <3 Oh and if you're playing with their dice (the regular Risk version)...WASH YOUR HANDS. The brothers burped on them, farted on them, and whatever else!

So this is my life. This is what I’ve been up to. I’ve described every detail to make it more than just another long blog, instead…it’s a memory, a moment engraved in my brain until the day I die. I’ll only continue to make more memories, and I hope you are in these quirky little adventures that make our lives worth enjoying.

risk. jumbled thoughts.

2008-05-04T14:21:00.000-04:00

I've never really hung out with guys before. because i like being with me my girl friends...but after spending a whole week (pretty much) with mama and joe/roy/steven/mike...I've realized guys can be fun too. In a week and a half...they're taught me how to play halo (even though I still can't play for the life of me), they taught me how to play madden, we tried to conquer the world while playing risk (I had most of Asia...) and i learned how to play football. Fun stuff!

Yesterday was OTC, and my bulletin editor workshop seemed successful. I wish they asked more questions because I don't know what they need help with! Afterwards Joe, roy, cheuk, albert, the vegas girl and I went to go watch IRON MAN. It was really really good! As everyone said/will say. Mr. Stark is an amazing character. I love how his pre and post incident doesn't seem to have changed much, but it has. He has a heart. sort of. I'm not going to lie though...if I had an arch reactor on my chest I would be so sad. On the way home we realized that Mrs. Soetanto wasn't even home so I brought the boys over to go eat dinner with us. I got thrown into the pool twice as a result.

I realized that everyone is about a month away from graduating...I'm REALLY SCARED. I'm over final exams, I'm okay with awards night and grad practice...but just walking down that carpet in front of everyone and their mom at the Orleans on June 11...scares me! Mr. meikle keeps talking about how he's iffy on whether or not to go to graduation, but i'm trying to convince him otherwise. i wish i didn't have to study for APs...I'm starting to feel learned helplessness from LaShomb's tests! and just admit defeat. :[ but I'm working on it!

FIN & Wise Words of Ricky Pullan

2008-04-25T04:04:00.000-04:00

"I'm over it..."

No. I lied. I'm NOT over it.

I'M NOT OVER the fact that Jared (Mr. "AMAZING" Junior Class historian) only made ONE PAGE. Freaking Sharon and Kim made more...and they're not even supposed to!

I'M NOT OVER the fact that I'm a fatty. I've denied it. Saying that it's baby fat...saying that it'll go away. Without action...it will defeat me. And seeing that after 18 you're pretty much stuck with your body does not make me happy. It's in progress.

I'M NOT OVER the fact that I cried like a wretched gay ass emo bitch at DCON over some silly shit. You know why I cried? I cried because YOU GUYS MADE ME FEEL LEFT OUT. I felt alienated. I felt unwanted. and as a fucking president...I am the face of this club. I made us look weak and that is far from what I know we are. I am proud of our accomplishments. I am proud of what we worked hard for. I am proud of ATECH KEY CLUB. I felt all this until the moment where hot tears were flowing down my face because of careless actions...it's stupid (and vague) I know. But SO IS saying "unga unga unga unga unga...!!!" Regardless I still had an amazing time!

I'M NOT OVER the fact that I know nothing about prom. Actually NO ONE in StuCo knows anything about prom. Okay...people know where the venue is...what it looks like...and they even know about the clown wall. Is prom supposed to be a super secret or is Mrs. Lein taking care of everything. I'm not saying that EVERYONE isn't on top of their game in that class...but SOMEONE is not. which is gay because you're the leader of that class.

I'M NOT OVER the fact that prom is coming up. I am still dateless..and I feel that panic, that sense of desperation, and sadness...that loser girls are getting. I am strongly contemplating on just not going. It's NOT THE SAME. ugh.

and I'm definately NOT OVER the fact that I AM USING MY EXTRA CURRICULAR ACTIVITIES AS A CRUTCH.

That is something I need to let out. Let me tell you. I haven't done much work this month. I've been coasting..and eventually at one point in time...I will come across a rock in the smooth pavement which will DESTROY ME. I will have to eventually get over the fact that being part of Student Council and being part of Key Club is NO EXCUSE for me not turning in essays, for me not doing homework, and for me not studying for my AP test. So I only realized this AFTER I told Ricky at lunch today. I thought I was kidding, but that comment I had made is making me think. Am I REALLY getting all these things dumped on me? or DO I want these things dumped on me? I was hoping it wasn't the latter (maybe it's not), but I think it is. I feel like if I have to make the lumpia for heritage night, if I have to worry about my OTC workshop, if I have to worry about banquet, if I have to rush to finish the scrapbook....

then it is OKAY. it is okay to not do my homework. it is okay to stress and complain...just to get the chance to focus on something else.

I've been doing that a lot lately. ...but sometimes...I feel like a one woman show. I'm such a perfectionist that if it's not done the way i envision it to be...then it is not right. So...I end up having to do things myself or with limited help.

HOWEVER I am thankful for the help I have.

I haven't been able to blog lately because I can't put into words how I feel about friends, life, myself right now. I still feel that sense of not knowing what's going on with my friends and surroundings. I feel that sense of being pushed aside. You're right though. I don't need to know all the details of the life of my friends. I don't need to know anything at this point. In a few months...we start a new life. We wipe the messy chopping board clean and start all over. And then all the silly little infinitesimal "connective string" things I wish I knew about all of you won't matter.

All the blogs in the world can't captivate the sense of frustration and hesitation to this current (or nonexistent) situation. NOT to mention starvation!

Post secret. Hachi. Jaci's Birthday. Sydney (date). Strip. DCON. Hotel. Bus. Leg wrapping around me. Joe + Catchphrase (partner) = AWESOME. Key Club. Scrapbook. StuCo. AP Test. Frankenstein. Date. No Date.

what are you to me?

Co` latha breith sona dhuibh!

2008-04-08T00:32:00.000-04:00

------the following part is about Philadelphia and Arcadia (bla bla bla)-----
OMG there were VERY nice and quaint houses made out of bricks, and children playing in the street without worrying about getting shot at, and there were trees!

I didn't know what to expect because well...it's the east coast...and I haven't lived there in a long time. Philadelphia itself runs at a very...slow and traditional place. I couldn't get over the fact that the speed limit on one of the freeways was 55 (but people there ACTUALLY follow it). The speed limit on regular streets is about 35 and residential is 15. Since I came from Las Vegas and well the west coast in general I'm used to the hustle and the bustle. They're relaxed people.

The visit to Arcadia was fun stuff. The area around Arcadia is very suburbian and the people are so friendly. The entrance is REALLY NICE and newly built. And right when you drive up you see a castle! An actual castle. It was built in 1853 and all of the crown molding, art, wood, and some furniture are all original pieces. The third floor is a DORM. so I could be Rapunzel if i wanted to. It only houses 8 girls and 8 boys...so if you get to dorm there you're lucky! It's a quaint campus. There are about 6 buildings to the campus and they're in the process of building one more. So during the presentation of my major I met this AMAZING (both mentally and physically) girl named Britney McCall...WOW. She's been in tennis all four years, a member of the Model UN (Something I wish Mrs. Young REALLY got into), interned at the Irish Parliament, traveled the world, is graduating early, is working on her graduate studies in Paris, AND AND has plans on being a diplomat/working with United Nations etc. etc. all in her 5'6" petite body. She's my role model. She has such amazing drive, talent, and passion...it's so inspiring.

don't you wish I wrote about you like that.
...so I'm basically going there.
This small, not white, girl from the west coast is going to school in Philadelphia.
BUT WAIT...something even more amazing happened. The program coordinator of the Study Abroad program at Arcadia called me to say that I am ACCEPTED to the program...and should I choose to accept it (sounds like the Matrix right?) I will be studying at the University of Stirling in Scotland for my fall semester.

:D
Feelings of uncertainty will subside when I get over the initial shock of it all. Otherwise...I'm SO ready for it.

Moving on...
Today in StuCo Ricky was talking about how he didn't know who he was going to ask to prom. And I was thinking "Puh..guys have it so eassssy....all they worry about is who to ask..." We girls (or I girl) am paranoid that no one is going to ask me. Ugh what a loser. ahahaha all my friends have dates already and I am here. That's a given though.

I'm excited for the jam packed friday coming up!!

it will be stressful, but fun all at the same time!

Jaci's birthday is this weeekend....parrrrtay!

(It's happy birthday in gaelic...apparently.)

i want to ROCK

2008-04-03T02:47:00.000-04:00

lol i like texting magie...i can keep up with her now. and since she got her new phone it's like talking in real time. :D

So I was watching the gauntlet, reunion of the gauntlet, and then the Real World awards and I realized I WANT TO BE ON THAT SHOW. it sounds like a low goal (it probably is)...like it all just seems like a bunch of drama, alcohol, and violent drunks...well in "reality" that's what it really is. 7 people...who are forced to live under one roof to see how they react. that's all! I don't know when it would be an opportune time for me to submit a video, but it would most likely be after college. haha. I want to be the girl next door that will be amazingly cool with everyone...or i could be like coral...or worse yet I could be like katie (oooh boy talk about potty mouth)..i could even be like Trisha or Svetlana (mcslutface?) possibly. If you think about it...Stuco is like the real world...minus the drunks just drama and violence. Mrs. Vallari can be puck. (watch Real world San Fransisco) ANYWAY....

Working with Mr. Meikle lately has been hard. It has been a challenge...I can't look him in the eye and I don't know what to say to him. I'm only able to write about it now because he's told his classes so I don't feel as bad. and i haven't been able to tell anyone really. Last week on Friday Paula got some test results back and things were not looking so good with their baby. It's times like these where I wish he didn't have the responsibility of being our advisor because I feel like we're holding him back...since he's such a dedicated person he wouldn't deliberately let us down...but when you're going through something really important, and right now...really tough (like a pregnancy) Key Club should be the last of your worries. He felt so bad on Friday for not being able to come with us to the scavenger hunt. I'm really worried about Paula! He told our class that the baby may be born with down syndrome...MAY BE. I'm praying that the next ultrasound and round of tests will prove otherwise because they don't deserve this. He said that Paula might have to get an amniocentisis done which MAY harm the baby, but it's needed to measure proteins etc. However, they did find out that is WILL BE A GIRL! In class we were talking about potential names..and I was thinking to myself..."Mellanie sounds like a great name!" Although I'm not sure how well it goes with Carolyn (Paula's mother's name and the baby's middle name)

Today in Eason's class...we met Nevada Supreme Court Justice Cherry. He was entertaining, and seemed like a personable guy. Apparently...the guy in the back of the room was Taylor's dad? I didnt think she had one. Weird thought I know. You know what is also a weird thought? Knowing that Domineek (sp?) Bumpas is preggers....now THAT is a weird thought. I saw her the other day giving me a very unpleasant look. idk why. maybe it was gas...but I don't know how I feel about teenage pregnancy. I feel like its a hard reality check to the face. Maybe it can be a good thing too. How did she even get knocked up? Okay...I know penis in vagina right...but WHO would knock her up? do they know? wow.

so i totally came up with jaci's birthday present today..and if she doesn't like it...i will shove it down her throat. multiple times.

blegh. i hope you enjoy this blog. a blog with no transitions...or coherent thoughts. <3

IS THAT EVEN A CITY?

2008-04-01T23:49:00.000-04:00

I'm REALLY SCARED. Haha no not really, but today at AAA I realized that I am going to live on the other side of the US for a good part of my life. We went there today to get some maps of Pennsylvania and the kind lady decided to help us find hotel accommodations and whatnot. Let me tell ya...Glenside is no Las Vegas. You know when you point to Las Vegas it's EASILY VISIBLE...It's a huge red dot that looks more populated than the capital (and it is). Glenside, on the other hand, is a speck in the state of Pennsylvania. You have to magnify the map x100 to see it. They have mad suburbs though! I don't really think we have them here...just really big communities?

April is going to be an exciting month...
April 5-Pennsylvania/Total K Day
April 11- Super Secret
April 12- Jaci's Birthday!!!
April 18-20- Conventionnn!
April 25- SA results *crosses fingers*

oh and I've never eaten so much in my life. I tried Jaci's WhoCakes..and they are yum!

OH ANND. I almost got hit by a car today. Totally wasn't my fault! I was on my way home and I was at the stop light on the turning left lane. As I was driving closer to a stop this green ford explorer with a FLORIDA license plate cut me off and was 2inches away from hitting me. So I rolled down my window and asked him what was wrong with him and all he could say was "I didn't notice you there." and he GOT MAD at ME. So being a crazy stalker...I follwed him until he pulled up into his driveway and wrote down his address...does anyone want to help me TP his house and put balogna on his car? jerkface. Actually, I kind of wanted him to hit me so I could be like "OH GOD my neck! whiplash! my back! my body!" and then get a settlement for like millions of dollars use it to pay off my freaking college tuition!" ugh.

5/5

2008-03-29T13:58:00.001-04:00

i'm DONE. i've gotten my acceptance letters from all the schools i applied to. (even hawaii!!) but really...can you study there? idk. haha i'd be really happy but uh, they're not the most intense schools to get into.

yesterday was the scavenger hunt. and ihave to say ...we are a very very creative board/club
<3

oh and seeing matt chen walk around in boxers is very uh nice. poor matt and his radiator fluid soaked pants. :p

n/a

2008-03-28T00:02:00.000-04:00

this week has been blegh. i'm kind of anxious for the weekend, because after school on friday means NINE MORE WEEKS OF BEING A SENIOR! scary right? I saw the epic senior poster that senior class officers are making and it is AMAZING. I want to pose in front of it when it's done :D I'm going to miss my friends, the teachers, and even just the school. (minus the fag ass hall monitors) I'm 80 percent done with the scrapbook for StuCo, and I thought I had no knack for it at all, but once I got down to business...they started looking cuuuute!

Today was Joe's last day in America, tomorrow he'll be on a flight to Japan to mix and mingle with Gojira, Hello Kitty, and Pokemon. We hung out for the first time in like...two months. Went to Chili's and went to get some FroYo. Are Mormons just naturally pretty?! I haven't met an unattractive Mormon person yet! Look at Jana, Ricky, and omg AUSTIN? drool much.

ALSO...I don't understand how Financial Aid works...I've been asking other friends about how much they're receiving from the schools (hah not to sneer and jeer at how much they received) that have accepted them and some are getting about the same amount as I am, but then there are those who seem like (financially) are equal to my status, but aren't getting as much money. Does that mean I'm that poor? Does it mean that they're richer? IDK, but nonetheless I'm still not grasping the system.

Speaking of school, I had my first interview for a Freshman study abroad program! The counselor didn't realize that there was a three hour time difference between Pennsylvania and Nevada so instead of calling at 5, she called at 2...right as I was about to leave the house. Talk about unprepared, but I guess Mrs. Bouchard's SponArg and Impromptu lessons helped A LOT. They're only choosing 80 students (40 each semester) to go. Should I be one of the lucky few...My fall semester of freshman year at Arcadia University will be spent in S C O T L A N D. does it seem like there's nothing there?...helllooooooo the Loch Ness Monster lives there <3

4/5 and counting

2008-03-23T05:18:00.000-04:00

Today was exciting:

-I got my acceptance letter from UW.
-I got my acceptance letter from U of Pacific.

I applied to 5 universities, and I'm at 4 now! I'm just waiting on Hawaii Pacific, but even then...how does one manage to focus and get a good education in a beautiful place like Hawaii? I'd be hitting up the beach to people watch every day. psh. Even with my sucessful run on acceptance letters so far, I don't know how to feel about it...because most of the acceptance rates are above 50 percent, so it's not like I'm applying to Pomona, Georgetown, or Juliard. but still...I had no intention on going ot those schools anyway. As far as financial aid...Arcadia has offered a good amount. :D

The only thing "school related" I worked on today was my Psych workbook, and the chapter on bias, attitudes, making friends, and why we act this way or that...sucks...big BIG elephant testicles. It's so boring, and it makes me feel like a bad person. Today I encountered a perfect example of "actor observer bias"

Aunt: "Oprah is CHEAP ASS! Ay, Lanie did you know she saves these zip lock bags? She is a billionaire and she can't buy new ones?! That is cheap!!"
Me: "But we save those too...it's called recycling. I use old ones to keep my scraps together, and to keep little things in one place tita."
Aunt: "Yeah but that's okay because you guys are not billionaires and it is economic...Oprah is rich and she can afford to buy new ones!"
Me: So you're saying that because she saves them...she is cheap, but when we save them it's "economic"...that makes no sense.
Aunt: "It doesn't have to make sense...Oprah is just cheap. >.>"

Actor Observer Bias.

Spring Break is coming to an end, and as far as "Epic-ness" goes, the only epic thing was the teeter totter at Magie's bday party, and being "wine-cooler-pong" devirginized. It was a good first time. OH and on Friday, the day first day of Spring Break...when Kim and I drove the cans to Salvation Army...and we got lost and I FREAKING backed into a car! UGH

OH and Jaci has gotten me hooked on dirty found, except it has less entires.
I hate Tess!

p.s. totally got a new phone. mmm Blackjack II...in a nice maroon color...and it will soon be in a zebra print case. I'm still really n00b when dealing with it though.

my latest brain child

2008-03-19T17:59:00.000-04:00

FINALLY a new blog. I decided that it has been too long since I've last blogged and with xanga no longer fulfilling my blogging desires/needs, I've decided to come back to blogger. (I found my really really old one a few months ago.) Anywho...
It's spring break, and with nothing better to do, I've whipped out the sewing machine and starting stitching. I've made a few things a while back, but after seeing Magie's wall of amazing bags and totes, I decided to make a new bag. This is the first ever bag where I used something other than jersey, canvas, or cotton. I used 100% genuine...fake leather :] I then ventured into the unknown and decided to make an item of clothing. I wanted something new to wear, but I was REALLY too lazy to go out and buy something so I found a pattern for some jeans. For my first ever pair, I'm quite proud. Don't ask me to take them off because they look so messy inside. I hid threads, cut in odd places, and did not sew straight ( I seldom do that anyway). It's my first ever article of clothing that I can wear though! Infact I wore them to Magie's birthday...which was fun on multiple levels.

Oh and I never knew how amazingly fun (and painful) the teeter totter could be...I guess you just have to find the right person to be on it with.

On to some pictures of my oh so amazing work (not really)